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My confused state of mind

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Nov 16 2011, 05:21
  • Divya Newbie

    -1 +1

    I am 25 years old. I was in a relationship and have a kid. I no longer have that guy in my life. I have had 2 other extremely important relationships after that. The 1st one is over. The 2nd one was supposed to be clandestine. But, for some reason I spoke about it with one of my friend who revealed everything that I spoke about. I spoke to her about every singl thing that happened between him and I. The relationship in itself was a mystery. We decided that we would be there for each other emotionally and for intimacy, but we wouldn't call ourselves commited. I really really like this guy, so I agreed. I still love him madly, but I cheated on him by talking to my friend about everything that we shared and did, so obviously he is upset. He knows about the kid and how it came to be. I realised that I like attention from people. May not be for materialistic or intimate reasons, but I just like people talking to me and giving me importance. The minute i get to know that things are getting out of my control, I back off. This puts me in bad light all the time. I can't be honest. I fear that the image that I have created for myself will be destroyed. I have few very important people in my life, but because of my actions, I have lost them. I can't be totally honest with family. I feel disgusted about myself everytime I think of what I've done, but I do not know how to correct it. I take a lot of time to get along with most people. Something stops me from just walking up to thses certain people and being honest. I am scared of denial. I am extremely sceptical when I have to deny someone of something. This includes my phne number etc... I don't like this behaviour, I try hard to think about it and change myself, but when reality strikes, I lose all over again. I want to be honest. I want the courage to walk up to him and be able to be completly honest and still accept any circumstance that may arise. I do not want to be afraid of anything. But fear is my greatest enemy. I am filled with it. Even now as i type, my heart beats real hard. I do not know what would help me. I cannot decide upon most things. Even now, i am wondering if I should leave town for a week so that I have some time off for myself or not. I know what I want, but I do not know how to get there.
  • Shadow Newbie

    -1 +1

    Nov 16 2011, 06:48
    Dear Divya, It is true that our state of mind decides our actions. I have read through your post and I can feel the dilemma you find yourself in. You have stated about the kid and a brief about the relationships. I have a few questions which I hope would help you find your answers.
    1)What does the "clandestine" relationship mean? Who wanted it to be a relationship in secrecy and why?
    2)Why do you feel you cheated on this guy by just talking about the relationship with a friend?
    3)It appears that you just played along and agreed upon the terms of this person. Why was this person not keen on a relationship?
    4)Everybody likes a little importance, why do you feel disgusted about this?
    5_What sort of honesty are you referring to?

    It is important to segregate your issues before trying to sort it out. The role your family playsin your life will give more insight to the support structure and how you reciprocate to them. IT appears that you are more concerned about the relatioship. Have you tried talking to this guy? If not, why dont you try and get him to answer those questions and your place in his life. It is possible that your confusion arises from not understanding what this person wants from you.Try to get this clarity and you would be able comfort your mind in some space.
  • JonnyBoy Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jan 3 2012, 16:07
    I Feel Like My Wife Is Cheating On Me, And I Want To Know What I Can Do To Help Me To Stop Thinking That She Is Cheating On Me Because Of Stupid Little Things She Does, And The Way She Acts, Please Help?
  • EmoGirl14 Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jun 1 2013, 21:14
    Iv known since I was 7 that im a lesbian im 15 in oct. but i still have some doubt in my head that im not gay, even though i know for a fact i am, iv done alot with girls, and NOTHING with guys, and i dont want to. iv had one boyfreind and I broke his heart because i just couldnt do anythnig with him. Im an ex- selfharmer, and Alot of times i feel so numb inside, the only time im happy is when i think about my girlfreind or when im talking to her. I often lose consintration and my mind wonders but i think of nothing at all, and people often try to talk to me but i dont hear them and when i do they think im ignoring them, my mother refuses to beleive me when i told her im gay, and my father died before I was born, I am the stereo type of gay women everywere.. Am I borderline or bipolar or what would you call a person like me? Iv seen a movie called "Girl intterupted and the main girl in the story is alot like me, in fact it creeps me out how much alike we are.. So am I Borderline? or why do i keep freaking on my gf? i keep begging her not to leave me.. im afraid..