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Ask the Therapist
Sep 30 2012, 10:30
  • My husband and I have been married less than two year. Prior to the wedding we had an active and wonderful sex life. Now there is no passion, and no sex. Nothing more than a kiss goodnight. In the year and a half since we have been married we have had sex 4 times. There are no young children in the house causing us to be up late and over tired. He thinks I make too much out of it and that this is not a concern but it is . I feel self conscious thinking it is something wrong with me... or I think he is getting it elsewhere. I dont know what to do.
  • Jaimeeluv Contributor

    -1 +1

    Oct 18 2012, 23:27
    I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. My fiancée and I have been together almost three years and before we got together, we had a better and more active sex life. Once we got engaged however, it started being months at a time before we would be intimate again, shortest time being three months. In the time that we have been engaged these three years, I've gotten satisfaction during sex twice. When seeking advice from friends or family, I am told "masturbate" so often I want to smack the next person who tells me that!! It's not the same, you need the intimacy, the closeness, the passion, the love and affection, to just be close to your husband. Have you asked him if there was something else going on? Not so much as cheating but possibly porn or something similar? Maybe if he has something underlying that he doesn't want to say like a fear or a want of something different, bigger, kinky in bed? My fiancée is a very conservative, proper, and formal type of person. He has a hard time speaking out loud about something that might be embarrassing in his point of view. Have you tried spicing things up? Toys, outfits, surprises, or anything like that? Try didn't things as long as you make sure you are comfortable as well!! Hope things get better for you, I know this is hard to cope with.
  • Ginny MODERATOR

    -1 +1

    Oct 19 2012, 07:08
    There are plenty of reasons he might not have libido so I do not think now is the time to make it more complicated by imagining he is getting it elsewhere. Can you afford marriage counseling' or a sex therapist?

    Also, Jaimeeluv, I noticed you contributed a lot today, thank you.
    • TaShaunte Newbie

      -1 +1

      Mar 16 2013, 20:55
      I new to this so bare with me, I'm not married yet and the way things are going betweenus it won't happen. Lately we have been arguing about little and Sex. He says he doesn't know why he isn't horny, but he can sit and watch porno's and cum. Recently we have gotten toys and now he can't even get hard when I am around or cum. Now he just uses the toy. He says we don't have sex cause I don't show him any affection but everytime I do I just get pushed away so i give up. Now I finally realized it's not his testosterone, I guess it's me. I brung up counseling and he said he down with it but no movement has been made. You say that there can be other factor's and I understand but he is only 28 and if one minute you can't get hard while I'm trying to give you head. And 20-30 minutes later your in front of your computer with your toy and cuming in like 3-5 minutes I feel it is nothing but me.
  • Carola Newbie

    -1 +1

    Oct 31 2012, 22:45
    hi,i MIGHT BE LATE FOR POSTING THIS, CAUSE IT HAS BEEN SEVERAL DAYS SINCE THIS POST. I am living a similar situation. I am very upset and sad, i feel lonely because i have been together with my husband for over 12 years now, and now it is like we only live together and are parents of 4 kids, but there is nothing going on between us. Only a kiss godnite if I am lucky enough to go to bed at the same time as he does. I asked for a kiss yesterday and the answer was "but I gave u one kiss yesterday when I came home from work". It is devastating. He refuses to have intimacy with me and has been over 14 months since the last time we had sex. His answer to it is always < not now>>> and it s not just for the sex, its for the kiss, the hug, the cuddling... everything is gone< we are not old, we got married young and are 35 years old, i am suspecting it has something to do with his diabetes and he just wont tell, but he refuses to talk about it.
  • Ginny MODERATOR

    -1 +1

    Nov 1 2012, 02:19
    You may be right about the diabetes, it appears to be linked to an inability to get a firm erection, here is a website that talks about it: http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/guide/ed-diabetes

    ...men with ED (erectile dysfunction) may still be able to get off, especially with low performance pressure and a firm touch, like your hand or mouth, which might at least get him to act close and intimate for a while. I am NOT a sex therapist, however, just a girl who's been single for all her life and is now 42, so I've been around a little bit. Porn might also help. At least this way it's an inroad to connecting and maybe talking about what is going on. You might also try using your computer's search engine and looking up Dan Savage's column, he is a sex therapist, in Seattle's news weekly The Stranger. There is a search engine there, try 'erectile dysfunction' and 'diabetes.' It would be interesting to know if he is masturbating at all- if he is, my worry is that he's going to get used to the sensation of his own hand eventually and be unable to cum any other way.
    The article I gave you links to talks about treatments for ED.
  • dhourie Newbie

    -1 +1

    Feb 5 2013, 22:03
    Hi I have been going through this too, and I hate it! I wish it was different we used to have sex all the time. but ever since I had my daughter we don't have sex anymore we haven't had sex in about 3 months and before that it was maybe once or twice a month. It is one of the reasons we fight all the time its not him either other then pushing me away by acuseing me of talking to other guys and cheating. But I know that the reason I don't want to is because I was sexualy abused and haveing my daughter by c-section really trigered something inside me. I don't have a sex drive at all, its not normal for me I don't get turned on or horny at all. I am so depressed and just want to get back to being us and happy.
    • whybother Newbie

      -1 +1

      May 5 2013, 14:28
      I have the same problem. We only have sex once a month. Its frusterating because he always says hes too tired but he'll be in the mood for a bj. He gets those about twice a week and if i tell him i'm too tired he gets mad and says he'll remember that next time i want to have sex. But we dont have sex so it doesnt matter! I give in anyways because i like to make him happy. Once he got drunk and came home late and feeling horney so he woke me up to have sex but i was too tired so he got mad. the next morning he went into the bathroom and masturbated then told me i shouldve had sex last night if i wanted to have sex. Lately we just fight and i feel like its my fault. i dont feel attractive anymore and every time i want to try initiate sex i dont bother because i'm afraid hes just going to turn me down. i feel like i dont even have a husband anymore just a room mate. it feels lonely and to make it worse we had another fight today. we havent even been married for a year. i dont know what to do because its not a matter of him not being in the mood. i feel like maybe i just dont turn him on anymore. But when he first met me he wouldnt leave me alone. i didnt want to even give him a chance until one day i sat down and had a conversation with him..then it was me acting crazy over him. when we finally started dating, things were amazing. he was such a kind person and he treated me like a lady. the sex was great. so i dont understand how we went from havind sex several times in one day to having sex once a month and how he went from being such an amazing and sweet guy to being someone who cusses at me and constantly calls me names. He likes to hurt my feelings and he thinks its funny when i start crying because of it. then he calls me a cry baby and says that everything makes me cry. but of course it does when hes calling me a c***, or a f***ing idiot. idk what happened or how to fix it because i know he wont go to a therapist. i just want the man i knew to come back.