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Anxiety & Panic Disorders

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Nov 9 2017, 20:04
  • Queenie3 Newbie

    -1 +1

    This is going to be a long one. If you can make it through and help me in some way... words would never do my appreciation justice.

    I've had a challenging life. I grew up with an abusive mother I still continue to love. I suffered mental and physical abuse from her from most of my life but when she was happy... it was like the sun was shining and everything would be alright.
    I got older and things only got worse. I've struggled with relationships. I've been treated like crap from most guys I've been with, failed relationship after failed relationship. I've been verbally abused more times than I can count by men, cheated on, made to look like an idiot - it doesn't seem to matter what type I wind up with, any guy I've had a relationship with has been almost completely different from the last. It always winds up the same.
    I struggle to stay in jobs, either I screw up by letting my emotions control me or I wind up feeling like everyone hates me so I leave.
    I've been with this guy for about a year, on and off. At first it seemed like he was fucking me around quite a bit and I was actually cool with it being "i want you, i don't want you, i want you, so forth," because he'd just gotten out of a 9year relationship and his head was a mess. He didn't know what he wanted and I understood. Then eventually we broke it off for 3months and I moved on... then he decided he couldn't be without me and he'd made a huge mistake. I wound up relenting after a while and once I did all my feelings for him flooded back. We had a happy few months together but then I became paranoid about everything. It's as if all my preious relationships and the being screwed around by him, rushed in at once and just took over.
    I was jealous of anyone he was talking to, completely freaked out when I found out he slept with someone we both knew from work (we worked together, in the same store), even though during our break-up, I'd also had a thing with someone from work. The thing that got to me was how we'd spoken about her once while we were together and he'd gone on and on about how cool and awesome she was just super dandy, whereas the guy I got with briefly, neither of us even knew him or spoke about him.
    There were a few other instances where we had issues, like this girl who was super nice to him and horrible to me. Caused endless weeks of arguments because he didn't want to have conflict or issues at work and I wanted him to defend me, because I'm fiercely protective and wouldn't have stood for that kind of thing if the tables were turned.
    Then I found out he was looking up a new girl from work on facebook and it was more his reaction than anything, pure guilt across his face. He explained it was just because of how it must have looked, but it turned me into a right state.
    I can imagine to some, this might all sound ridiculous and petty. But after so many shitty relationships, being cheated on, treated like crap, the smallest thing wound up being magnified by millions.
    Eventually I was constantly paranoid and jealous at work, being there with him was horrible. My dad lost his house and was evicted, I was living with him at the time so I became homeless. I moved in with my boyfriend and my dog and thats when things got worse.
    Being cooped up in a tiny bedroom constantly, with no money to do anything, never making plans, we were miserable and toxic. He was horrible to me so many times and lost his temper so much. He was never really nasty or abusive towards me, though occasional he would make hurtful remarks - but this was rare and he was very remorseful. He's not a bad person, we were just put into a horrible position.
    I wound up being prescribed Citrolopram by my doctor, thinking it would help.
    Oh no. No, it did not.
    I wound up in A&E several days later due to serious suicidal thoughts and being in the worst state of my life. I've suffered through panic attacks, anxiety for most of my life but this was indescribable. Hour after hour after hour of sheer terror, sweating, so sick that even the slightest whiff of food would have me nearly vomiting, feeling like I was going to die within minute, my heart ripping through my chest, endless days of this without relent. I came very close to slitting my wrists, but instead I called 111 and they advised me to go to A&E.
    During this period that lasted several days, I physically could not be left alone. My boyfriend - I cannot fault him. He held me, comforted me, did everything he could. Sure he got a little frustrated when he couldn't even go down the stairs to wash up without me freaking out, but he helped so much.
    They prescribed me diazapam. It helped a lot.
    On a day I felt normal, we had an argument. He went to work and I decided to get a friend to drive me 300miles away to be with family for a week, where I was off work. We talked a lot and he was extremely apologetic, the past however long had been tough on him too and he'd handled it badly.
    I went home, spent one night and it was a horrible one. He got angry over my being upset that the next day, he'd made plans with someone instead of keeping it open so we could spend time together.
    That next day, I broke up with him, quit my job and moved away to family.