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Apr 5 2016, 18:51
  • Alex Newbie

    -1 +1

    I've always been a bit "shy." Though at some point in high school, my mother and I had a falling out, and I lost my support system. I became increasingly withdrawn and depressive, alienating my friends and family, being unable to finish assignments due to lack of focus and bullying. It also has come to my attention recently, though unaware at the time, that I also struggle, and continue to struggle, with ADD- which likely added to my frustration when it came to completing homework and paying attention in class.

    Half way through my junior year, I transferred to independent study, and graduated early. I felt relieved to not have to worry about judgement from other students, having to worry about rumors, or receiving prank calls. Though I was still struggling with sitting down and paying attention to lectures, etc.

    Though independent study took a load off regarding my social fears, it became apparent that being at home more often was taking a toll on my relationship with my mother. She also works from home, so we see each other QUITE often. We started getting into arguments about how I "don't care about my family, I'm selfish, everything that has happened to me is my fault, I'm a loser, etc" which lead to persistent nagging, irritation, anger, and so on. It got to the point where I was hiding in my room for days on end, trying to not cause any more frustration for her, hoping to avoid a fight. It seemed that no matter what I did, her frustration would continue to escalate. It was then after she starting barging in and destroying my things, pushing me, pulling my hair, that I was racing through my studies to graduate in order to move out of state with my boyfriend at the time.I was beginning to develop stress in my every day life trying to avoid arguments and keeping to myself.I began to notice physical symptoms like sweating, increased anxiety, insomnia, just hearing her walk down the halls began to put me in shear terror.I tried talking to my friends and family about what I was going through, but no one listened or just didn't understand.

    So I eventually graduated early, as previously stated above, and moved out for a few months.I started getting severe panic attacks that wouldn't stop.It would be one after another for hours on was hard being away from everyone I loved and cared about.So I went to the doctor, practically begging her to prescribe me something that would either lessen or completely stop my panic attacks so I'd be able to function.She prescribed me Paroxetine (Paxil),for the treatment of depression and anxiety and Ativan (Lorazepam), to take whenever I was feeling a panic attack coming on.I felt like I could actually function on paxil and any sort of social anxiety, which wasn't that bad at the time, disappeared.I didn't really even have to use my lorazepam, as I wasn't getting panic attacks anymore.

    My best friends convinced me to came back "Home" after a few months, after missing my friends and family.I felt that I was missing out a lot with my friend's lives. So I came back, stood up to my mother about how she was treating me before, and made it clear that I would not tolerate any physical violence or mental abuse that was just uncalled for. After that, my plan was to wait for the next semester to start in college and get a job somewhere.In the meantime, my mother made it known to my whole family that I was on medication and how irresponsible I had become, which led to others giving me advice regarding my medication. I received a lot of anger towards my physician, stating that "She shouldn't of given you that. For your size, 20mgs (which what i was on at the time) is way too much, and is probably extremely damaging to your body." Fearing that it was, I started decreasing my dose. When I got to 10mgs, I was nauseas all the time, making life extremely difficult. Fearing I wouldn't be able to function, I threw out getting a job and college since I couldn't make it a few hours without having severe nausea. How would I be able to keep a job or focus in class when I had to stop what i was doing often to try and not throw up?

    I started becoming depressed. I was hiding what I was going through from my friends and family, and started staying at home again. My relationship with my mother started deteriorating. Now she talks about me behind my back, telling people how I'm a loser, how bad of a person I am for not caring about anything. I eventually tried dropping to 5mgs for the longest time, but couldn't handle it. So i quit cold turkey (which I know is a huge no-no) Now I'm struggling with mood swings, depression, severe social anxiety.. There has been a few instances of violence on her part again, recently. Though I'm not afraid of her anymore, I now become angry when she starts coming after me for things.

    My boyfriend now lives with us. Which evidently, stopped her from coming after me altogether. Though now, they've been starting to butt heads. He and I have talked about moving out, since this is not a healthy environment.

    Now I struggle with severe social anxiety. Landing a job has been extremely difficult,I can't talk to people.I can't breathe, I "freeze," I get extremely stressed out.I can't get medical treatment, because I don't have medical insurance.To get insurance I need money.To get that, I need a job.

    I heard about applying for Social Security Income?

    I feel like a nuisance.I'm unable to support myself.I'd like to get help,but how?I tried talking tomy friends+bf, though no one has any advice. I feel stuck and alone, here. How do I fix this social anxiety? How do I get help?