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Am I still dead

Anxiety & Panic Disorders

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Sep 28 2013, 21:18
  • Chrislee1985 Newbie

    -1 +1

    It has been 4 months since I committed suicide and i still feel depressed. Ever since they found me in my garage with my car on and revived me 6 times I have not been able to become the man I once was. I used to be always so happy go lucky, but in 2010 my dad killed hisself by use of gun. I didn't use a gun because I like to think that my dads death was an accident and that at the last moment he wanted to stop but it was to late. The out of body experience I experienced was intense and the phyco home they put me in for 6 days was even worse. I used to be a pill junkie and after everything I've been seeing a pain management doctor and taking suboxen. The thing is I went to my family doctor 3 months before i killed myself and asked for help with my anxiety and panic attacks, but he marked me as a pill seeker because I specifically asked for Xanax. Instead he put me on buspirone which had the reverse affect on me so he switch me to celexa which didn't help at all. After I got out of the Phyc ward I went to my family doctor and he still would not prescribe me Xanax. The thing is Xanax makes me happy and relieves my depression completely I was just trying to be honest with my doctor and he was just rude. These past few months I have slowly been falling into this deep depression that I can not seem to climb out of, and everyone around me can notice. I can easily buy Xanax off of the street but that is against the rules when your seeing a pain management doctor. I feel stuck and alone and most of the time i wish they didn't revive me that day. I am a father of 6 and I have a wonderful wife but the problem is me I can never be happy. I am so negative all of the time and I don't know why. One minute I can be on top of the world and in a second I can be the most unhappy individual around and i take it out on everyone around me to the point I feel like running way so they won't hurt anymore. I had a horrible childhood filled with physical and emotional abuse and I was homeless from when I as 13 till I was 18 when I started working and rebuilding my life. Since them I have gotten my high school and college diploma and i have advanced in my career but I can never get ahead. I'm always broke and I have no family to help me. All I have is myself and I hate myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still dead.