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Anxiety & Panic Disorders

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Aug 24 2013, 12:50
  • lunar_rose Newbie

    -1 +1

    Since i was a child, I have been suffering from the feeling that everyone that I come across is either judging me or looking down on me. While growing up, my family had not been the most ideal support, they had been at each others throat over the simplest of things and Love wasn't something that came naturally. It was like a great burden to say, "I love you", or to even receive a hug and kiss or even a word of encouragement without it seeming like it was too much. I had also been a chubby child and had been picked on, on a regular basis by my siblings and on occasion my parents even gained up on me along them. I was an intelligent child who got A's and B's and was never showed any appreciation or support because of it. School had also been difficult because of my shyness, I felt like even what friends I had were judging me or I couldn't trust them to keep a secret and not talk about me behind my back.
    Even though I had been a well behaved child, i felt like i was constantly in trouble and was afraid to do anything because of that feeling. After I moved out of my parents house, a little of that feeling subsided but i was still having problems with feeling judged and trusting people and my friends. At all my jobs, i excelled but even how good I was seemed to cause my fellow co-workers to resent me and make fun of me. At one job, a group of women I thought to be my friends had planned to get me drunk and leave me in an unknown city by myself as a joke. Feeling guilty, one of the women warned me to not go because of it. I had quit that job not to soon afterwards feeling isolated and unable to trust anyone.
    My family, even after all these years, are still quite unsupported. They all live in the same city as I do, even having grandchildren they rarely visit me. I also don't like going over to their homes as often because of all the gossip, trash talking, and rumors they spread about each other. My husband's family are actually the ones who come visit my children on a near daily basis and have been more supportive to me them my own parents.
    Since my husband and I have gotten together, i have been dealing with an over whelming feeling that my husband is always talking to some other person romantically, even though there has been no signs that he has. He has been patient, loyal, and loving even though this has been an issue since after our first child. A majority of the time my brain refuses to shut off and has questions like, "who's he talking to?", "what's he talking about?", "What's he doing while I'm at work or while he's working?" I hate these questions and i wish desperately that that voice will shut up and my heart will stop racing. Because of these feelings I over analyze what I see and hear and it causes me to believe he's doing something he's not, causing fights. These feelings also led me to violate his trust multiple times and read his emails and check his text messages, even his facebook messages. I check his phone constantly and I'm trying my best to stop. One fight over him spending time with some friends, most of them female, led to us spending time in jail and on probation with fines. This recent fight was over him having a innocent female friend again and after reading his messages to her I had assumed they were doing something they weren't suppose too. The other women, however, was happily in a relationship and had children herself. Feeling embarrassed and helpless, I tried breaking off our relationship. I had told him that knowing everything that I have done and violating his trust he can go find someone else to make him happy. Instead he stayed, saying real men don't run away from their problems.
    Also, from a past fight, work is sometimes uncomfortable because my husband, (we work at the same place but different shifts), had gone and spoke poorly about me to his co-workers, (his friends), and they all labeled me as a jealous, angry, mean person. Some of those opinions had changed ove the year and a half but there are still a few people lingering about that I feel are judging me also. All in all, all these feelings of insecurity, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, and distrust are hindering my relationship and making friends hard. Is there anyone out there who as experienced these same feelings and have learned to over come them? and if you have how?