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What void am I trying to fill? {backstory included}


Ask the Therapist
Apr 27 2017, 00:30
  • readytoheal Newbie

    -1 +1

    So for the past year and four months I have been seeing a counselor for depression. During the sessions a few issues about myself were revealed to me. The first being that I have problems with intimacy, and developing genuine healthy relationships. Due to many events in my past. The second being I am a "one way street" according to her. She says I express my affections externally that I am always give, give, give, and I withdraw from allowing people to do the same for me. I go through the motions of a normal relationship with out establishing an actual connection. The third is still a bit strange to me but, she said I seem to have some void within me that I have been trying to fill for years. I am not quiet sure when it began. When I was eleven I began to physical harm myself and would chronically masturbate. By thirteen I began drinking. Once I was fifteen I was a gym rat pretty much I workout to a point it was really unhealthy, in combination with an eating disorder. At seventeen I became sexually active and had sex all of the time for hours at a time. Honestly I thought I was addicted to sex. It was and all the time all day, anything goes kind of experience. Even if the sex was terrible it was all I wanted. At eighteen I became very ill and almost died. My family didn't care when I was seeking medical help. Three months, six blood transfusion and a week in the hospital later the same family members who dismissed my concerns, were now blaming me for multiple medical conditions that were not caused by anything I did. I lost my home, my job and I was in a terrible relationship. I was so lost and alone and hopeless, I had no friends or family I could confine in or depend on. 2016, at age 20 I was single and living on my own. My home was broken into by my neighbor, who later threaten to kill me. I lost it. I would drink and take pain pills all day, then go to work like everything was fine. It turned out I was suffering from severe PTSD. When I was 12 my brother's friend attempted to break into my bedroom twice so he could violated me and when that failed he stalked me and later tried to run me down in the street with a truck. I just pushed everything down after he was put away for another crime. I thought I had gotten over that fear that he was there watching me, knowing someone was just out there waiting to hurt me , knowing I wasn't safe anywhere. I completely isolated myself from the few friends I had made, my new boyfriend, my family. I was paranoid, and suffered from chronic anxiety attacks. My depression was worsening as was my drug and alcohol abuse. I discussed with my counselor the cause and effect of these problems and still we haven't gotten to the source of my constant need to.... have a buzz I guess you could say. I always had some bad habit in my life. Pills, booze, smoking, cutting, masturbation, sex. I am currently trying to quit drinking. I have "gotten over" the pills. I haven't had any but, god do I dream about it. I am newly single again and all I want to do is bang this guy I barely know, which is completely out of character for me. I love sex but, I am not easy. I've only been with one guy. I normally don't believe in pointless sex. I believe I only want this because I am trying to fill the mythical "void" now that I have stopping drinking, smoking, and pills. But I am stuck wondering what in the hell is this void I am trying to fill? Any ideas?