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Why's it so hard?

Abuse

Ask the Therapist
Jul 24 2014, 01:05
  • Sammi Newbie

    -1 +1

    I was abused by my uncle when I was about four years old. He sexually molested me, beat me, screamed at me, and emotionally tormented me. At first, I couldn't remember it at all. When I was ten, I found out my mom has PTSD and is a rape survivor. When I was twelve, my best friend had to move away because her dad was raping her every day. I started self-harming at that point. When I was fifteen, my uncle tried to beat me up again, but I took off running. He tried to keep me quiet about what he did, but I started remembering. I have battled with an eating disorder because of the abusive boyfriends I've had since I was thirteen and because of bullies at school. I spent nine months in treatment starting August 2012. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to stay clean of cutting. I was clean for almost a year, but I relapsed after ten months. I also have a pornography addiction... I'm not sure why this is or when it started. I have memories as early as ten years old looking at it. I just want to be happy, but it's so hard when I'm overwhelmed with the business of every day life, and then flashbacks, nightmares, and urges to purge and restrict and cut are piled on top of it. I'm trying to balance everything and keep my chin up, but I feel so alone. I can't even let a guy touch me outside of my close family members. I don't know what to do.