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Disagree with husband's sexual request

Sexuality & Gender

Apr 7 2012, 22:41
  • Norma Newbie

    -1 +1

    My husband wants me to have sex with other men if not he won't get arroused. I am really not confortable with his request and have talked to him about it, but he insists. He says that if I don't do it we won't have sex. Since I didn't agree we didn't have sex for months (6). He started asking again about his request and I lyed to him telling him I had been with another man, but now while we have sex he only wants me to talk about all the details of our encounter. I really don't feel confortable with this situation because I don't feel cared for, I feel used (which by the way I have mentioned it to him, but says I am boring). Please someone tell me what should I do. (I've been married for 11 years and have 3 children)
  • Gigi Contributor

    -1 +1

    Jun 1 2012, 02:50
    Your husband is certainly not the only man to have this fetish. It's called cuckolding fetish, there is often a category for it on various porn sites. In many ways it's just like any other sort of fetsih - foot fetish, spanking fetish, latex fetish, they are all fetishes. I suggest you look up the word and learn about your husbands fetish.

    Then you should ask him about it, ask what it is about it that turns him on and such. Is it the humiliation he likes? The submission? Does it make him see you as more desirable? There's a wide range here, try to pin-point exactly what it is he likes about it. If you can do that, then you can probably find various other fetishes that achieve the same thing. For example, if it's the humiliation he likes, there are many things one can do to humiliate the other in the fetish world, treating him like a dog, for example, making him eat out of a dog dish.

    I can almost guarantee you his fetish has nothing to do with him not loving you, just using you, or not caring for you. However, the way he went about trying to get his fantasy played out is beyond selfish. With any fetish or fantasy one has, it must always be "Safe, Sane, and Consensual" if they want to do it with someone. Sounds like you did not want to Consent to it, which breaks one of the 3 golden rules, so it should have been taken off the table.

    What is unforgivingly rude of your husband is to say, "If you don't take part in my fetish, then I refuse all sexual relations with you." That's just terrible and wrong on so many levels! I would leave someone over that, but I'm not you.

    Explain to him that you have limits, and sleeping with another man is a "hard limit" (look that up too), though you may be interested in trying other fetishes or fantasies. Ask him what his hard limits are (a common hard limit is no permanent marks). When he tells you a hard limit of his own, compare it to your hard limits, as an analogy, you can say "Well do you see how you would definitely not want to partake in [insert his hard limit here], that's how much I would not want to sleep with another man. It is a hard limit for me. You need to respect that just as I will respect your hard limits."

    Ask him if he has any other fantasies or fetishes. If you indulge him, maybe he should indulge you in one of your fantasies. Share with him any fantasies you may have. Tell him what turns you on the most.

    Ask him if he would mind pretending. Maybe you would be up for role-playing where even though you both know you haven't actually slept with another man, you act out a scene where you realistically describe being with another man, so it feels real in the moment, yet after the scene is done it's back to normal again. That would be a nice compromise to indulge his fantasy.

    Sorry if all this opens a world you never intended to fall into. But he's your husband, and being more knowledgeable on the subject will get you so much further with him.
  • Ginny MODERATOR

    -1 +1

    Jun 1 2012, 10:37
    Thank you Gigi.

    I always recommend Dan Savage's writings on sexuality, he is enormously popular, here is an address: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=115476
    that happens to be Dan Savage talking about cuckolding fantasies. The site is searchable if you want to read even more about it, there are lots of articles.

    If he is going to withhold sex to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do, maybe you could tell him a fantasy you would him to indulge for you. Tit for tat. Perhaps that would give him some perspective. He is certainly behaving badly. It must be hurtful. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    Ginny- not a therapist, a volunteer moderator

  • bob Newbie

    -1 +1

    Aug 22 2012, 21:44
    Its a self esteem issue with himself. he needs to have a woman that is desired by men and he needs to feel that he is getting sloppy seconds.
    I knew a couple well that was involved in the self same thing He would take her to motels to have sex with only black men while they hurled insults at him about his penis size and how he couldn't satisfy her . But he went a step further by recording the encounters and moving in a lover for her. Well one day she and the Bull, left with the couples kids in tow, She filed for divorce. And the dude is moping round looking like sad sack . And everyone in town knows what happened because the guy shows up at the wifes place of employment begging to please come back to him. I look at the dude like " get another woman dude you did this by pushing it and I guess she liked it after awhile"
    I just look at as a be careful what you wish for because you just might get it thing . He needs to stop asking and you need to put your foot down
  • youdontknow13 Contributor

    -1 +1

    Dec 20 2013, 21:58
    Your husband seems to be becoming bored with the relationship which is not entirely your fault, bit it definetly is selfish of him. Personally I feel like if my husband wanted to see me with someone one especially being the mother of his children I would know that our relationship was over because clearly he doesn't respect you as a person nor his wife or the mother of his children. I hope that you know you are much better than this and should never feel pressured into doing something that degrates you or makes you feel uncomfortable I'm sorry that you are in this situation, maybe you all need some counseling and if that doesn't work then I think you know what you have to do.
  • consider Helpful Friend

    -1 +1

    May 16 2018, 00:05
    Tell the truth
    Refuse to lie about who you were with.
    That is wrong to lie to your husband just to sex with you and sexual encounters that you shouldn’t have to make up justcfor him to be arroused. This isn’t love anymore. I don’t think you should have sex for any other reason than to have a baby and to refuse to lie about sex with other men and a lie about the encounters. You should confess what you didn’t do to him.

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