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It's a long post, but I really need someone to listen and maybe understand <3

Self Esteem & Shyness

Sep 24 2013, 01:23

  • -1+1

    I've had a difficult time trying to explain everything I feel, so bear with me if it seems like I'm all over the place.
    I suffer from a rare bone disorder called Proximal Focal Femoral Dsyplasia and it leaves me standing at 3 feet tall. I am missing my hips, femurs, and knees. I use a wheelchair for long distances but with a miracle surgery I took my first steps when I was 5 after every single doctor told me it would never happen. I've had an unstoppable drive, spirit, and huge personality ever since...and my passion is helping others in need. My friends all joke and say I'm like a disney princess in the flesh. I had always been so bubbly, fun, and loving.. I never let my disability and health issues stand in the way of my dreams and was always so successful till now. Now I'm 24 and while lots of people my age face challenges entering the real world and getting married everything they're supposed to be doing at my age...I have it a lot harder than them and I feel so trapped. I am extremely medically fragile I spend every single day alone trapped in a room. I'm only allowed out to go to the medical center and back. I am also unemployeed and for 3 years I've been highly and harshly discriminated against to my face, therefore I can't even afford to leave my house with Metro Access. I used to love life and lived it to the fullest in college and now all my friends are gone. My friends are my ONLY support and joy I get in my life and they've all moved on with their lives and its the worst feeling in the world trying SO hard to move on with them but the reality is, I can't. No matter how hard I try to move forward and live a normal life WITH them, its just NOT happening. I've been told by them they "just don't have time for me anymore" "I don't feel like dragging you and your wheelchair around anymore I can't deal with that" "we're just not on the same level anymore" "I'm an adult now, living life, you can't and never will grow with us wake up to reality" and I'm missing all of their milestone moments in their lives, their happiness, and their everyday moments. I only see it through Facebook, but seeing it there hurts even more. I try to talk to my friends who are also disabled and they say I'm crazy to want to leave the comfort and safety of my room. So, they don't even understand how it hurts! If I do get the rare opportunity of getting out, its because people have felt obligated to take me out. Being TOLD you are burden, or just knowing it by the actions of people you adore is shattering. Its breaking my heart more and more each day. I try to meet guys as well online or if i do get out of this house, because I have big dreams of finding true love because I have so uch love to give and I have a "Disney Heart" always believeing that no matter what, never let your heart grow cold, theres someone out there for you..everyone deserves love. But, I guess my big heart gets me in trouble because I only tend to see the good in people. I have had men assault and abuse me several times, they look at me with such disgust and I've been told by so many people that I'm too deformed to earn a man's love, that no man will EVER see me for WHO I am, just WHAT I am. I've been asked out as a joke countless times, they've picked me up in public places and done inapropriate, humiliating, and horrible things to me for everyone to have some laughs, I've even had a guy drive an hour to pick me up for a "date" and when I reached for the car door he drove off full speed and I could hear him laughing. That has been foever burned in my mind. I can normally brush off all the hate, and the cruelty, and always have kept on smiling and being proud of who I am, but recently after one more attack by someone I knew its hit me hard and I am really struggling with everything. Maybe I've just been cracked so many times this time I've just completely broken. I feel that maybe I deserve this or being so trusting. I've honestly slipped into a depression for several months that has made my heart physically hurt. No matter how many times I reach out and confide in someone, they write me off and just say get over it, "you need a therapist!" with so much negativity in their voice..they don't understand and can't understand even if they tried. I'm becoming so SCARED of men thinking that they're just going to want to hurt me or see me as a joke and nothing more. I am losing my hope that I used to be so proud of that everything is going to turn out alright, losing my faith in the "stay positive" speeches I used to preach, I feel weak, and not strong..everyone counts on me to be strong because they've said all my life I've always been the strongest person they've known,I feel like my tears and difficult time has caused them to lose respect for me, I feel like my bright, positive, and strong spirit is broken..and most of all I feel like a monster. I would really appreciate someone to talk to, no one understands.
  • Angel-Light Newbie

    -1 +1

    Sep 28 2013, 21:01
    Dear Modern Day,

    Thank you for expressing the pain you are experiencing. What a difficult situatiion you are in. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a disability and having to face rejection and even cruelty. On top of that, not being mobile and feeling alone.

    It sounds like you have faced your disability like a champion. I admire your strong spirit and keeping an open heart. You sound like an amazing person. Don't give up hope.

    You have no control over how people treat you, and their behavior is all about them and not about you. They simply don't have the same strength of heart that you do.

    You are at a time of transition that everyone your age goes through. Because of your disability, it makes it harder but not impossible. You could list the things you CAN do, the relationships that ARE working, and what you might need to do differently now in order to have the relationships, contacts and creative expression and work that you can do. I believe that all things are possible.

    If you believe in God, pray. It helps to write a letter to God about your pain, what you need in your life right now that would make you fulfilled (make a detailed list), keep a copy, and burn the original letter. Wonderful things can happen.

    I am not a therapist, but if you need someone to talk to, I am available. I am new to this site, and when I saw your post, felt inspired to respond. God bless you!

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