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Schizophrenia & Psychosis

Nov 8 2013, 07:01
  • I'm not sure if this is the right section to post this...

    Anyway, I spend majority of being awake wishing the world around me would fall apart and burn to ash. I have a deep hatred and amount of anger towards everything around me. Strangers, friends, relatives... hell, PEOPLE in general. No one particular. I often sit and think, "What would the reaction be if I stopped suppressing my anger and just let it loose?"

    I'm sure I don't think like "normal" people. For example, when I stop at a red light or a stop sign I imagine not stopping and visualize the tangled chaos that would ensue from being t-boned by a 70+ mph truck. Or, if someone is walking across a street, I picture them getting slammed full force by an oncoming car. Or, if someone is rude or disrespectful to me, I picture choking the fucking life out of 'em until my fingers crush the remaining air out of the asshole... but instead I just smile at them, swallow my pride, and suppress the urge to hurt them.

    I've had a few encounters where I lost control and it's both satisfying and confusing at the same time. After everything has settled I have to be told what happened. I don't recall the things I've said or done. Just bits and pieces. The part that satisfies me is the release of anger. In those instances, afterwards, I feel calm. Almost happy. No remorse, regrets, or guilt for what happened. Just calm... The part that confuses me is I know I am supposed to feel bad but I just don't.

    The times when I HAVE to be social I just mimic the people around me so that no one thinks I'm insane. I copy their reactions, emotions, and mannerisms to give them the impression that I'm "normal". But I don't feel "normal".

    Everything I've said here is 150% true. I really need an opinion, advice, an answer... SOMETHING that will help me understand what's happening in my head.
  • xena0025 Insightful User

    -1 +1

    Nov 9 2013, 01:24
    I am no expert but I think you just described a sociopath or pychopath.
    • Nov 9 2013, 19:16
      Then this was posted in the right section after all :P
      • xena0025 Insightful User

        -1 +1

        Nov 10 2013, 01:56
        I guess so. What is it you are looking to accomplish here? I think you are fully aware of what it is you are.
        • Nov 10 2013, 13:14
          I'm aware that I am not like "normal" people. And it's not the first time I've been told, "You might be psychotic." I'm hoping to maybe understand why I think this way and feel so little. Also, if there is anything I can do or if anyone has any advice on how I can fix this.

          Don't get me wrong. A part of me likes that I am this way. It makes people steer clear of me which is okay since I don't like people anyways. But I do get lonely like anyone else... really lonely... I want friends and a social life. So I want to understand it.
          • xena0025 Insightful User

            -1 +1

            Nov 10 2013, 13:34
            From what I know about this , there are environmental factors and genetic factors that play a role. It is a personality disorder of some kind. You might do better to inquire in the personality disorder section of this site. You would have to delve deep into yourself to find the cause and maybe it would be worthwhile for you if you want to have a social life. If you think that you are psychotic,there is medication that can treat that. I hope that helps you a little.

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