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Cant get out of my head

Post-Trauma Stress Disorder

Jul 13 2016, 09:33
  • athomas Contributor

    -1 +1

    I have been married a year to my current husband and struggling with our intimacy in our relationship. I has been hard to tell him what truly bothers me. I am so ashamed of what I have done and let be done in so many years. To start when my parents got divorced when I was 9 yrs old. my dad was living with a lady who had a son 4 yrs. older than me. He started to touch me at night and then by the time I was 12 yrs old my dads wife took me a doctor I was having a problem with abnormal bleeding. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active I didnt answer and she knew something was wrong. I throw the first name the rolled out of my head and it was babysitter son. Which really made it bad they had to file a report and then my real mom was pissed. I never said a word I just sat their and looked the roof and never talked. A few month later I ended moving in with my dad because My real mom wouldnt hear of anything. So of course the touch from my step brother progressed to sexually intercourse by the end of the year. Then six months after I moved in there my dad and his wife went away for a couple weeks leaving no one in charge and then my step brothers friend had advanced to have sex with him. Which i did tell my parents when they had gotten back and again off to a doctor where they did pregnancy test and STD testing. Still while my step brother was 4 nights a week sneaking into my room at night. By the time I was 15 we had moved to a different town and my step brother still looking at me for sexually pleasure which I never told anyone. I felt if i was dirty and wrong/ I would lay awake and wondered if I slept on couch if he would leave me along. Then his cousin came to stay with us he thought it was cool i guest and got in on the action a few times. I really felt discussed. well thank god he left after couple weeks. So in the mean time the girl that my parents had for foster care she was my age had figured out what was happening and I confined in her little. still not telling anyone else how discussed i was. She then let me cry to her, which lead to experimenting of my own and ended up making out. Which my parent did find out about after couple weeks and she was sent to another home and we were not talk anymore which i still talked to her at time it faded over a couple month. I believe I was about 15 1/2 when a neighbor had me babysit for them when they dad came home he made a quote that I looked hot. I quickly left not thinking anything since he was drunk. Well I didn't tell my step mom so the next weekend they asked me to babysit my parents said sure she can. Well that night i will never forget. He made a quick move and I felt complied to allow it when deep down I knew it was wrong. He was 27 yrs old and I was 15 yrs old. What had i done did i think. Then i notice my pay was alot more. So for a couple month it just got more and more and I was allowing and starting to enjoy this relationship with a man so much older than me. I went to my school councilor and was very vag in i didn't tell her the age or the name. For a little guidance and she told me to make sure to use protection which i did. Into the affair somehow he had let it slip at a bar. And my parents of small town heard and they questioned both of us. I dined it because i knew he could loss his kids due to it. So my dad sent me to live with my mom. So going to new school of course I was freshman and started dating hiding my past from the world had couple guy then I thought oh i have done this before give them sex and they will not leave. They did over time. By the time I got to 16 yrs old. 2 weeks before my 17th birthday I was pregnant oh shit. I thought what I do. So now I have a child growing inside me. A guy I had meet at party said he need a babysitter for his boys well I needed money so sure. Well 17 yr old me ended up in another relationship with a 36 yr old man. Well we kept hidden for awhile well then I had my baby and got pregnant with him and decided to get married at 18 so now 2 baby's. I screwed up and stayed with a man didn't love me or our children and had two more kids. Till a year ago I left and didn't look back it was bad marriage all the way around. But now I am married to wonderful man treats me and my kids like gold and I cant seem to let go of this in my heart of disgust and gross feeling. Now also having hard time letting my body enjoy sexually intimacy with my husband.
  • Jul 31 2018, 03:37
    We're in the sand boat. I'm 21 but...had PTSD ages 13-19. Still can't overcome the gross feeling I get from having intercourse with my compassionate , kind boyfriend. Want to dump him sometimes because I hate how he says I'm his and feels in my head that he's only using me first body. It's all in my head. I know it.

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