Create a new thread

Self Help Education Center

List of Categories

Welcome to our Support Forum

Molested/raped for ten years. 16 years later I'm having nightmares

Post-Trauma Stress Disorder

Mar 13 2013, 11:59
  • Brookeb84 Newbie

    -1 +1

    I was molested at the age of 3. This happened on a regular basis by my "dad". He adopted me when my mom married him. I had two dads before that. The older I got, the worse the molesting and abuse got. He told me if I ever told anyone, he would kill my mom and himself. He did this all when my mom was gone, or a lot at night. I didn't have a lock on my door, and in an effort to not wake him up by walking down the hall to the bathroom, I peed my bed. My mom was concerned about my bed wetting, and took me to a specialist. They couldn't find anything wrong with me. "Buy her some diapers, and let her grow out of it" they said. The bed wetting didn't stop until I was 19. At the age of 11, he raped me the first time, as usual, he swore me to secrecy. I felt alone. I felt like I was some horrible person being punished. If I tried to run from him, he chased me with a belt, pulled me by my hair, threw me down stairs, and even went so far as to chase and stab me with his insulin needles. The brutality went on until my mom finally left him. He was a horrible husband as well. Less than a year later, my mom met someone knew. She moved him in, and then one day, I saw he had ordered a pay per view playboy movie. I got so panicked. I felt like "here we go again". I was 13. At that very moment I froze, but somehow walked into my moms office. She told me I looked like a ghost. I told her I had to tell her something, but she couldn't tell anyone. The rest is blank to me. I know I told her, because the next thing I know, she's crying and angry. Not at me, at him. I was so relieved, yet so scared at the same time. I knew I ran the risk of her being killed, but I knew she would protect me. I'd known all along, but couldn't tell her because I was so embarrassed and disgusted. Well let me tell you, she's alive and healthy. He killed himself two days later. My mom had a funeral for me, not for anyone else. No one wanted to be there, but they knew I'd need closure to heal. Since they were divorced I got everything. Every year I get a $3 check from MetLife as a friendly reminder of my cruel past. I'm having nightmares again now. I can't put everything in here since I'm only allowed so many words, but when does PTSD go away? Why does this man still haunt me? I'm 29, a wonderful husband of 7 years, two beautiful daughters 6, and 3. My life is great. I want the pain to go away. I want his memory gone.ive never done drugs, never been promiscuous. I've been pretty normal. I learned from seeing my parents, and decided I needed to do the opposite of what I lived. Can anyone with this similar PTSD give any insight? I'd appreciate it. Feel free to ask any other questions. Thanks!
  • Dreamer Contributor

    -1 +1

    Mar 13 2013, 13:49
    First of all, I am so sorry to hear that. I do know how you feel to a point, but every case is different. People tend to deal with their issues their own way. Anyway, I was interested in how you've coped. You said you've never done drugs, been promiscuous? I give you so much credit for that. I on the other hand am an alcoholic (not often do I drink, but when I do, I do) and wish I could undo all the mistakes I've made with men (alcohol always present). I honestly hate sex, I think it's dirty, and only enjoy it when I'm drunk. I wish I could have a normal sex life. Now I'm getting off the subject at hand. What I wanted to know is if you have any of these symptoms? Negative thoughts on sex, presently with your husband.......do you hide things or keep feelings in, and do you find yourself wondering if you are the way you are because of what's happened to you? If you have any questions for me, please feel free to ask as well. I don't know anyone who's been through what I have and I've tried face to face counseling. I went for 4 sessions. Thanks for listening and for sharing your story.
  • Brookeb84 Newbie

    -1 +1

    Mar 13 2013, 14:01
    Hi there! Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry for your alcoholism. I can't imagine how hard that is. To answer your questions, as far as sex is concerned, for the longest time I felt disgusting. Knowing what happened to me made me feel gross. Even if my boyfriend at the time knew what had happened or not, I could not feel comfortable. Fast forward to now. I still feel insecure about my body. However, my husband thinks I am gods gift to the earth... Lol. I wish I could feel as good about myself as he feels about me. I tend to keep feelings in and even hide things at times. Not really with my husband, but with others. And yes, I know I am the way I am BECAUSE of what happened to me. I pride myself on being the opposite of what I was exposed to. My children have parents that love each other, love them to the moon and back, they don't have a single thing to worry about, and they're happy. With that said, I have had a talk with my 6 year old since she was 4, about not letting anyone touch her in appropriately and to always tell us if someone tries or says anything. No one ever told me these things. I am envious of our children. So carefree and happy. I was happy at school, but never knew what was waiting for me when I got home. What is your story? I'd love to know. I've never Been in a support group like this. If you have any other questions for me please go ahead and ask!
    • Dreamer Contributor

      -1 +1

      Mar 13 2013, 15:21
      I've never been in a support group like this either. I'm not sure that I want everything visible to everyone though. Do you know if we can respond to each other privately? My kids will be home shortly, but I will definitely get back to you on my story. It does help to get it out to someone who's been there. Thank you for the encouragement!

Please register/login to post!