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My daughter comes first.


Feb 18 2012, 12:28
  • Sarah Contributor

    -1 +1

    My daughters father plays a very small roll in her life. He makes plans with my daughter, then turns around and breaks them, for whatever reason. He sees her for two days a month right now, which is fine by me. But now he wants to act like he some sort of say in what she does when he is not getting her. By this I am refering to my making plans for her to visit her brother and sister when he tells me he is going to be busy. He turned around and felt like it was an attack against him. He even went as far as to threaten to sue his ex wife, and accuse her and I of teaming up against him.
    I don't know how to deal with the anger I have towards him.
  • mona Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jun 14 2012, 21:01
    Ask God to help you with your anger issues and try to be nice for the sake of your child you dont have to love each other you just have to deal with each other and if he only gets your child twice a mon then you know what you might just need to sit down and have a nice long talk wih him about maybe what has happened and what times he going to get your child peace and blessings
  • Sillygirl Insightful User

    -1 +1

    Jun 16 2012, 08:45
    Ask God to help you with your anger issues...

    It's important to ask someone if they believe in God before you suggest prayer. If someone suggested prayer to me, I'd tell them where to shove their Bible... ;) But if the person believes, then by all means suggest prayer.

    On to the problem...

    Trying to be nice doesn't always work, particularly when a person is irrational. And I don't mean that you should get ugly about it, I simply mean that being nice in the hopes that it will blow over is probably not the answer.

    The fact that he is paranoid about the possibility of you and his other ex being "out to get him", that suggests the possibility of irrational thought patterns. I think it's important to understand the ex's motives for why he is angry about the plans you are making.

    Why does he only see the kids twice a month? And have you tried open communication that is non-threatening - ie: You are the father and I agree that you need to know what is going on and have thoughts regarding their activities, but may we discuss what the problem is with their spending time with their brothers and sisters?

    I might even go so far as to say, "I know that you have issues with your ex and if you feel an attorney is warranted, that's no problem. Just please let me know as soon as possible how you plan to proceed so that I can do this the right way. If we can work this out among the 3 of us, great, but if you prefer to have it handled through an attorney, that's fine, too; I just want what's best for the kids and for me, that's whatever causes everyone the least amount of stress, even if it means I need to discuss this situation with your attorney."

    My guess is that he somehow feels powerless and this is a way to get control. If you approach this from the standpoint of, "Hey, I just want what's best for all of us; you, me, ex, and kids.", then his anger may subside when he feels that you're willing to work with him.

    I don't really have enough info to give you advice that would work - this is only based on how I have handled rational people that became angry. If he's irrational (ie: bizarre expectations, unwarranted anger, unexplained paranoia, etc), I would plan on therapy.
  • sandy Contributor

    -1 +1

    Jul 31 2012, 00:09
    I used to let my ex husband get to me, but I finally realized he was his own problem - not mine.
  • Mitchie Newbie

    -1 +1

    Nov 23 2012, 00:09
    I have to agree with "Sillygirl" about the fact he probably feels powerless and irrationally hates how you make the decisions for the daughter you guys have. This man sounds like the type who likes being in control, but thats just my guess. He seems to be a little paranoid as well. Honestly, all you can do is try to be open and honest with him without getting emotionally altered, or basically,getting angry. You should try to be calm and professional about it with him. I hope the situation gets better for you.
  • Camila Insightful User

    -1 +1

    Nov 26 2012, 15:43
    Hi Sarah, I am a single mother too. I've been a single mother from day one. My son is now 14 and I no longer have any hard feelings towards his father. But it wasn't always this way. For the first few years of my son's life I had a lot of anger and at times even hate towards his father. He was very immature, irrational, and out of touch with the reality of what it meant to raise a child.

    You said it yourself, your daughter comes first. So you need to be well and at peace in order to be positive around her and be the best mom you can be. If he triggers anger in you, you might want to avoid contact with him altogether. It's not worth putting yourself through that. You can't change him. One day you guys might be able to have an amicable relationship but if that's not possible now, I advise you to keep your distance. Ask a relative to act as the middle person for the two of you. It's the best way to avoid stress, unecessary arguments, anger, and all other negativity that comes along with being in situation like this.

    Best of luck :)

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