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Need to let it out

Parenting

Aug 20 2013, 13:21
  • shayde Newbie

    -1 +1

    This is my first post, I just feel like I need to say all the stuff I've been keeping inside for so long.


    So my parents have always been controlling towards me, especially my mom. She's a perfectionist and always complains about me everytime she gets the chance to. I'm 20 and it's been happening for almost 5 years now. She constantly insults me and makes me feel like shit about myself. I just came back home from studying in the USA and she made me cry twice over the span of 5 days, and I actually hardly cry, only when my biological dad passed away.It's not like it's really bad insults, but it's more of the years of being oppressed that makes so frustrated.I feel like she's trying to make me an extension of herself, trying to live her dreams and goals through me. Don't get me wrong, she loves me to death, and I know that, but she keeps trying to change the person I am, everything I do is never good enough for her no matter how hard I try, and I can't help feeling that since she tries so hard to change me, she doesn't really like me who I am as a person,another human being.

    I'm an only child, so I can slightly understand that she wants to be protective of me.But most of my life I've been alone, and I battle so many other problems about myself. I also constantly talk to myself, a habit I've had since a kid. I don't hae imaginary friends or anything, but I just imagine myself talking to my friends who aren't there, or I talk about my problems to a 'therapist' who isn't there. For example, everything that I've written so far I've actually talked out loud, pretending that I'm talking to someone. I should also note that I NEVER argue with my mom, I comply with everything she says, as well as my step-dad, because I know I don't have a choice anyways.She has this control over me that I can't seem to let go of.Now any smallest jape or lecture she gives me, I make arguments with her in my mind, and I replay the hundreds of other times where she scolds me, and since I've been back home I keep getting distracted because I'm always so stressed out about the arguments I make in my head, and it lasts for hours.

    I've also never had a girlfriend, I've been rejected so many times that I'm not sure if I've given up or not.It might be also because I'm in denial that I'm gay, and my mom once said off-handedly that she'll kick me out if I was ever gay. I started watching 'adult' homosexual videos since I was 13, but I always thought it was a phase I was going through.It's been 7 years now, haha I think anyone would see it's pretty obvious. I do have friends but a lot of times I feel like I'm more friends with them compared to them being friends with me. Lately I feel that there's no one who actually loves me for who I am, all I want is someone to hold my hand or someone to hug. I don't see any real goal or ambition in my life, before it was always about being successful and rich, but now I'm not even sure if that's actually my dream or my moms.

    I've been tempted for the last few months to go to therapy but I'm kinda scared that if I do, I'm accepting how effed up I am.There is also another thing about me that worries me, but I've never told a soul about it and I don't think I'm ready to pronounce it online, probably since it's illegal.

    I don't know if I need advice or just a kind word, but I need something.Help me please.
  • Margaret Wise Expert

    -1 +1

    Aug 21 2013, 01:01
    You should get a copy of the book "How Full Is Your Bucket" and leave it around the house for your mother to read. Its about saying positive things to others.
    Therapy is not an acknowledgement of how messed up a person is. It is an opportunity to learn about and improve yourself. Its a great opportunity. If you cannot afford therapy however then writing in a journal 3 pages a day is almost as good because it gets all your thoughts out of your head and on paper. No one else reads it and you can tear it up or keep it. Either way it is a very very good practice for your mental health and your physical health!
    Also try to join a group that discusses issues like the ones you discuss! Let me know if this helps and have fun!
    Maybe find a sport or hobby that you like. Also there is a book titled "Decisive" by Chip Heath & Dan Heath that you might really like.
  • Margaret Wise Expert

    -1 +1

    Aug 21 2013, 01:01
    You should get a copy of the book "How Full Is Your Bucket" and leave it around the house for your mother to read. Its about saying positive things to others.
    Therapy is not an acknowledgement of how messed up a person is. It is an opportunity to learn about and improve yourself. Its a great opportunity. If you cannot afford therapy however then writing in a journal 3 pages a day is almost as good because it gets all your thoughts out of your head and on paper. No one else reads it and you can tear it up or keep it. Either way it is a very very good practice for your mental health and your physical health!
    Also try to join a group that discusses issues like the ones you discuss! Let me know if this helps and have fun!
    Maybe find a sport or hobby that you like. Also there is a book titled "Decisive" by Chip Heath & Dan Heath that you might really like.
  • Nanner Contributor

    -1 +1

    Aug 21 2013, 13:22
    I've been in therapy for awhile now. It's helped me a lot. I was afraid the first time. It gradually became something I looked forward to. A therapist is some one who can give you ideas on how to deal with your mom. She's not being a good christian. Christians don't judge or cause any kind of negativity. If you need an outlet come here and I will listen. It may take a day or two to respond but I'm here for you if you need to vent or just write stuff down. Writing really helps. My father never liked me for who I was/am. He laughed at me when I was upset and told him this is who I am and you don't have to like me. He use to call me thunder thighs all the time.
  • Nanner Contributor

    -1 +1

    Aug 21 2013, 13:23
    OH, have you talked to your dad about your step-mother?
  • Nanner Contributor

    -1 +1

    Aug 21 2013, 13:25
    OOps ignore the last reply. I got distracted by my kids. Sorry. I'll keep them out of the room the next time you need to talk.

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