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Lost my big brother

Grief, Loss & Survivors

Apr 16 2014, 02:40
  • My name is Audriana.. I recently (one week and four days ago) lost my big brother. He was my best friend, the only person in my adoptive family I ever felt truly close to, or someone i could always be honest with. After his death, I was told he had a drug problem.. Heroin. The family seems to think it was a Heroin overdose of some sort. I remember my dad calling me to tell me my brother was gone.. i grabbed my teddy bear and my heart felt like it shattered. I've not been close w/ my adoptive father or mother, nor even my biological sister anymore. I don't know how to handle this loss.. this loss seems nearly too much for me to even bear. I don't want to eat.. I cannot sleep and when I do i am plagued with night mares. I don't want to cry.. I am angry enough to punch walls one minute and then so depressed I can't get out of bed.. I started harming myself again.. I know my brother would kick my butt if he knew, and maybe he does know, and I am dissapointing him. I am in college to become a Veterinary Technician, but even a simple bus ride has me panicking and crying. I can't face class, I am failing my pharmacology class. I don't know how to handle this grief, I honestly am worried it will kill me.. I have stomach ulcers and IBD, so the stress of this situation has me literaly sleeping in my bathroom.. maybe i just need to talk to someone.. i don't know.. my brain can't seem to think past a few minutes at a time...
  • Apr 16 2014, 02:48
    it's me Audriana again.. I forgot to mention something.. I feel such anger at my family, even my brother's girlfriend, who I have considered my closest friend and sister. I am angry they never told me. My brother asked them not to because he wanted to remain a role model to me, wanted me to not be dissapointed in him or be upset with him.. But I am so mad! I feel I could've helped him in some way if they had only told me what was going on. Maybe I could have been there for him the day he relapsed and died.. I could have stopped him.. I could have done SOMETHING, ANYTHING to help him or stop him from continuing to relapse. I don't get it.. I know it's horrible to be angry at my big brother since he's gone, but I am. I am plagued with guilt at being angry with him and my family.. I just don't know what to do anymore...
  • Margaret Wise Expert

    -1 +1

    Apr 17 2014, 01:13
    RIGHT NOW Audriana you can grieve. You must grieve. You must go through ALL THE STEPS of Grieving. Look them up. Google them and take each step.
    Next you have to be VERY VERY strong right now. Do it for your brother. It is very important that you get support and help from a professional right now.
    Do not neglect any of the steps of Grieving the loss of a loved one.
    NEXT stay as healthy as you can:
    Write Lists!! Write lists everyday
    READ the book by James Altucher "Choose Yourself!"
    He teaches how to write Lists!! !! !!
    Get Sunshine every day you can...
    Think of others
    Think of what you can do for others
    KNOW that time heals
    KNOW that there are others out there FOR YOU WHO Can HELP YOU
    It is up to you to go out there and FIND QUality people like that to be in your life whether they are professionals or laymen.
    Be very careful right now and BE VERY VERY STRONG.
    • May 7 2014, 02:57
      thank you for your kind reply. I am not a healthy person, I am struggling with being about 80-90 pounds overweight, having chronic depression and insomnia to boot, various back and pelvis and nerve injuries. I am trying to lose weight, but the insomnia is worse now.. i am NOT a drug addict nor user, but since my brothers death, I've been having these horrid nightmares of myself as a drug user, shooting up drugs. I don't understand it. and my brother is in all my dreams no matter what they are. good dreams or bad, he's in them. i'm afraid to sleep, i don't sleep much anymore. when I do I wait till I'm so exhausted I sleep hard and my dreams are usually just barely there. I know I have a weight problem and need to get out and exercise, but sometimes I just don't want to. I am afraid to see my family, all that's left is my adoptive parents and sister. Every time I get the urge to e-mail them, (my parents) I get upset they remind me of my brother.. i want to talk to someone, but i don't know who, i am sure my county insurance won't cover someone who actually cares.. sorry i am rambling so much...
  • Julie Helpful Friend

    -1 +1

    Jun 3 2014, 05:29
    It's tough dealing with deaths of family members. My dad just ended his own life a little over a month ago. There is nothing I could've done for him though. He didn't want help. I feel so sorry for you. Heroin is not the way to go.
    • pooka32 Contributor

      -1 +1

      Aug 21 2016, 13:12
      You said it all , short and sweet , my issue most every day for the last 9months and a week is not being able to cut off my rant or Finnish the sentiment as you demonstrate above .
    • pooka32 Contributor

      -1 +1

      Aug 21 2016, 13:18
      My. Brother was one that talked suicide and his funeral all the time , he only stopped the talk a load in mixed company because of his love for my kids . But he died in what seemed an accident, as I pulled up on it in the rain and as is on paper . But I can't be sure he didn't opt out and not even let me have the right as his sister to yell. About it . He didn't want help he wanted to die and my buff with the for thought always to call when suicidal even at wee hours of morning , was murdered still to soon ago . I want my life I want to be 105 but they make the year to get that seem impossible . I have to do the rest of my days with out them now and it's killing the me that I have to live with
      • pooka32 Contributor

        -1 +1

        Aug 21 2016, 13:20
        I need to talk with some one that isn't looking at me with a lip hanging out or hope that I'll leave them in what was .

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