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Loss of Sense of Self?

Grief, Loss & Survivors

Jul 15 2013, 22:47
  • Jcjt Newbie

    -1 +1

    I used to be depressed because I realized how awful my family members truly were to one another. To be brief: My dad is an alcoholic who has a very strong tendency towards saying extremely manipulative and mocking remarks. He also has no qualms what-so-ever in calling me fat (even though I fall in normal BMI), he sulks all the time when he doesn't get his way, and lastly he complains a lot that he doesn't want to take care of us. Just this past week he complained saying that he had to buy the food and cook. Now, I don't know about you. But I consider a responsible parent someone who will put food on the table and find that a good thing to do. Somehow, he considered it bad. He's constantly taking advantage of my good behavior and it's frustrating. What's worse is that just a year ago, I moved out of my mother's house. And unfortunately, she's worse. She's even more manipulative, narcissistic, and blames everyone but herself. Whenever you turn the tables to point something out that she did, she's quick to turn someone's words around and make them feel absolutely crazy for what they said, believing that I had to apologize. She's stolen money from me, blamed me for things I never did, always plays the victim, made me feel worthless with all the yelling, swearing and general awful treatment. Once when I asked her why she treated me the way she did, she said that i deserved it! She also told me she wouldn't feed me and I would need to fend for myself. She has even told me that I have used my feelings to manipulate her when I genuinely felt upset at the way she treated me.

    My point is, after all this, I got out of my depression, I became fixated on trying to be the person that I was before. And although I know that this cannot happen (at least completely), there are some elements of my personality that I still miss before I became depressed. I have a positive outlook, and I feel really confident in myself generally (before my depression and now). But I miss the fact that I used to be really charming and social, I miss that passion that I had, and I miss that then I used to strive to always be a better person. I valued passion, genuine interest in people and growth. I feel like these elements are missing; and that somehow they got lost along the way while others are still intact.

    What do I do? What do you guys think?

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