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trust issues, lack of self esteem.

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Apr 25 2012, 18:15
  • marizulu Newbie

    -1 +1

    hi.

    I really don't know what I am doing by writing this, but someone mentioned I should speak with a therapist because it might help so I am giving it a try.

    I have a lot of self esteem issues, most of which I keep to myself but lately i have been having problems with several loved ones, as i shut them out when they get close, but i do not intend to hurt them, i want to be open and let them in, but i don't know how to. I keep making the same mistakes over and over, every 3 months or so i have a breakdown in which stress and loneliness will take the best out of me. I mean i know i have my family and friends to back me up, but somehow i feel paralyzed when I need to speak to them, and explain to them what is going on. Often i find myself lacking the appropriate words to describe my fears and the seems childish and stupid, but still i cant seem to overcome them. I really want to fix this, but i don't know how to start. I tried forcing myself to be brutally honest when my boyfriend told me it was not that i was not nice to people i loved, but that i omitted things and expected them to figure things out because i know they know me well enough to do so, but i have been hurting people, and i feel alone even when i know i am not. How can i go about changing these behaviours?

    any word of advice would be great. Thanks for your time
  • freefallcaptain Contributor

    -1 +1

    Apr 27 2012, 15:36
    It sounds like you've been terribly hurt in the past by someone close to you.If that is true your lack of trust is understandable. I have found that life is often unfair and my expectations of others are frequently unrealistic. Even so I realize that I still have trust issues sometimes. I was searching for self-esteem for years just like you seem to be. I thought that if I got good grades, became an accomplished athlete, completed college, was successful in my career, I would have self-esteem. I have discovered that even with all those things in my past self-esteem must be based on more than productivity. It was not until I was in my 30s that I realized that the only way for me to have self esteem was to realize that it is not based on the opinion of others, or even my own self-evaluation. I found that God loves me for who I am as his child. He made me. He designed me to be exactly the way I am with just the talents and family background that he knew would help me to accomplish his purpose. We all have a purpose. Finding your purpose is not as hard as people make it sound. God's purpose is always to help us to know him and love him and to tell others about his love for us.
  • Ginny MODERATOR

    -1 +1

    Apr 29 2012, 08:15
    You listed a lot of issues there. It's a little hard to tackle issues when I'm listening to abstractions- "self esteem issue" "trust issue". Concrete stuff with particulars is a lot easier.
    For starters, are you shutting loved ones out because you're afraid of getting hurt realistically, or just shutting people out because of some ill-defined fear, or a memory, or what? You don't have to let everyone in all at once and no matter how much you love someone there will always be limits as to how much you can trust them with certain things. That's life; you're not perfect and they're not perfect either.
    Usually I look at how close to get and how much to trust as a growth process. Commitments are grown, not made, and trust is given out based mostly on merit, and withdrawn when it's not appropriate. You look at what you're getting and decide how much to give back. When they're not giving, I usually don't give more to try to get them to give more (because it doesn't work); withdraw or ask for what you need. I hate Dr Phil, but relationships do have negotiation.
    That's all I got w/out more info.
    If you want to figure out how and what you think and how to express yourself, take a writing class, or journal, or there is this game I made up. If you can't figure out what to say, say to yourself, "But if I did know what to say, it would be" fill in the blank. That sometikmes helps.
  • Jess Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jul 25 2012, 19:37
    I feel much the same way, my fiance tells me that I also am upsetting to people with the way I act, like I am better than them, but I really don't mean to do it nor do I really see what he means. When I was young we had a lot of problems with my biological mother and I was raised by my grandmother. I think that a lot of my issues must be stemming from childhood trauma and stress. I have been trying to change the way I act and feel as well and it is a hard road to travel. I will feel like I am making progress and then one day for no reason I will lose all ground that I have gained. I try to focus on the good things and try not to let stuff upset me, it is so hard some days. I can relate to what you are going through and can tell you that a good support group is key for sure!
  • johnmarc Helpful Friend

    -1 +1

    May 6 2013, 08:41
    every morning and every night -list what upsets you
    know that not anyone person can meet all your emotional needs
    if a friend is hurting we might not even know it
    if you are religous study your beliefs
    i think everyone has self esteem issues to some extend
    make small goals. call one friend, encourage one friend on facebook, if our are on there,
    and believe you already are who you want to be
    encourage your family
    have gratitude for all you have
    spend 80 percent of your thoughts and actions on the solution and not the problems
    get out and active , even if by yourself. excercise, even a simple walk, or lunges weights or a hula hoop (they say it burns 600 calories an hour and gets heart rate up)
    be around other people and encourage them
    volunteer... find your strengths and serve through what you are good at
  • tigerlily Helpful Friend

    -1 +1

    Jun 16 2013, 05:51
    maybe you are so busy trying not to upset people or over burden them with your issues, you lose the words.

    maybe you need a counsellor just to off load now and again without fear of offending anyone by your feelings, thoughts,

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