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need help with the boyfriend's daughter

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May 14 2012, 20:17
  • Molz Newbie

    -1 +1

    My boyfriend and i get along great but fight when his 12 year old daughter is around. She used to be rude to me, but now ignores me and is disrespectful. He never sees her as doing anything wrong and expects me to be better because i am the adult. I'm not allowed to say anything to her and he wont let us all sit down and talk about it. I'm out of patience and feel like i am an outsider when she is around. I've tried everything and go out of my way to make it fun when she's here. I feel all alone in this and needsome advice that a stubborn man will listen too. She plays her father and he can'tsee it. This all started when he put some rules and boundaries in affect. She cried to him andplayed the whole game of she's scared of me becauseshe neverhad rulesin her life.
  • May 15 2012, 13:03
    Molz, I have a 15 year old brother that dose this to my mom all the Time and I can understand that feeling. Instead of trying to appeal to just his daughter try havering a get out with all three of you. Do something nice like go to the pool or beach together and interact as a whole so all three of you are having fun. And try to act positive to even the bad things she says to You. Smile around her and disregard the nasty hurtful things she might say. Shes young and dosnt understand having someone different with her father. One day she might come like you. Just try to stay posative, dont talk to her father and convince him show him you are the bigger person.

    Hope I helped
    R.
    • Molz Newbie

      -1 +1

      May 16 2012, 09:13
      I have done that all along. Iam constantly planning fun things for all of us to xo. She even has friends stay over and we take them out. I could live with her attitude if he would be more of an authority figure. I guess what bothers me the most is that he doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. She plays games because she knows he is a pushover when it comes to Pl asing her.
      • May 16 2012, 11:45
        Well at this point just keep doing what your doing. Stay posative, and remember she's just a little kid. And maybe if you feel up to to try a family meeting and let her address what she dosent like. As the same with you.
  • drea Newbie

    -1 +1

    May 26 2012, 20:37
    2-infinity-and-beyond iam going thru the same thing with my boyfriends daughter she is fifteen tho and pregnant its like you say he doesnt listen to reason,iam at my witts end i think the best solution is to leave them,because it will get worse they wont change and iam becoming bitter about this situation,the daughters rule always i have found that out :( my friend is living with a man that has a son and she doesnt have this problem,we are having.
  • R_Susannah Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jul 12 2012, 01:51
    Hi Molz,
    It sounds like you've tried to talk to him, but you're not being heard. I can understand the frustration you must be feeling!

    I've learned that it is not uncommon for kids (especially older kids & teens), to act out. As the girlfriend, it certainly sounds like you've been the target. Know that you're not alone there! Also, know that these kids are struggling through their own problems. Perhaps a school counselor to talk to her could help her process some of her frustration? Just a thought :)

    Here is what I would suggest:
    1. Sit down with your boyfriend when you are both calm and express to him that you've been feeling like an outsider. You have a right to express that calmly, what a horrible way to feel! He may deny certain behaviors, but not your feelings.

    As for the daughter, here are some things that I can share:
    If a new adult comes into a child's life and they are younger than 5, it is easier to assume a parenting/authority role, and have a pretty good relationship with the child later on.

    If the child is over about 5, many suggest that the role of the non-parent might be more like a confidant, a role-model, someone they can go to for help. There tends to be a great deal of resistance from many children when the parent gives the non-parent discipline responsibilities.In these situations, it can make it really unfair for the person (the girlfriend or step-mom), because the children or teens may resist; and it can pit one partner against the other.

    If this sounds familiar, I would suggest:

    2. Perhaps have a plan of action with your boyfriend. Be on the same page with him about presenting a united front when it comes to the new rules and authorities. Most importantly, have a conversation about what your role in the daughter's life should be. What is best for you? For her? For your family?

    The structure of rules and boundaries is good for her, even if she doesn't understand this! His being consistent in the structure he's set up is critical! To some extent,I think he it would be beneficial for him to step up and be consistent in his disciplinary role.
    I do hope this made sense, and that I wasn't way out of line here.I'm new to this site, but am thrilled I found it. I also apologize if I got wordy. I get excited when I can share random information and experiences :)
  • Pollon Wise Expert

    -1 +1

    Jul 12 2012, 04:22
    Molz,

    I would encourage you to look at it from the daughter's side. (I'm assuming she lives primarily with her mother.) When she comes for visitation she wants to see her dad and have his love and attention. I don't know if you grew up in a broken home, but it sucks to not see your parents every day and have to pack up every other week or whatever the arrangement is and go "visit" your other parent. On top of that, she has to compete with and "be nice" to some chick her dad is living with (I'm assuming you live with him).

    From you boyfriends perspective, he has to play referee between the two women he loves. He may not be handling it well, but it is miserable to have to listen to your girlfriend complain about your daughter. That takes the joy out of seeing his daughter which she probably picks up on.

    The teen years are a very important time for a girl's development of self-image and how she will relate to men in the future. Her relationship with her father is critical to that. I would suggest that you respect and support their limited time together. Facilitate the visit by getting the house ready, providing food and suggest ways your boyfriend can strengthen the relationship with his daughter and help her become mature. Then make yourself a non-issue by finding friends to be with or blending into the background. In time she will not see you as competition or the enemy. As she matures, she may even give you credit for helping her get closer to her father.

    You are the adult and your desires are secondary to the needs (healthy needs not wishes) of his daughter.

    Good luck

  • restlesspirt Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jul 16 2012, 14:51
    I definitely understand what you are going through and how you feel. I've been dating someone for 5yrs and having the same problems with his daughter which lives with him. She has lied and done many things and he will still take her side when things happen. She is now 18 and she still does not speak to me except for maybe hi and that's only sometimes and when her father is in the room. I have more of a problem with my boyfriend for allow the behavior of his daughter, then the daughters actually behavior. I makes me feel that he really doesn't care about me at all.
    Kids are to respect adults. We have to learn to respect many people as adults and it start with training as a child at home. This has caused major problems in our relationship and is not getting any better, I am also very resentful to him also because of it. He doesn't see how disrespectful she is to me and how it makes me feel and he allows it to continue. He has also said that I'm the adult in all of this too. But I feel he is the adult in this situation, it is his daughter not mine. But I believe that this is a big problem with the kids being rested today. Just because their have problems or their parents are divorce it doesn't give them the right to act the way they do, and for parents to given into their manipulative ways just is not acceptable in my opinion.
    Parents these days are so afraid their going to hurt their kids feeling, or their excuse their kids are hurting because of the divorce. They act like they are afraid their going to lose their kids if the discipline them to the other parent if they do. So is the answer not to parent these kids at all, because it my cause emotional problems, please I don't buy into to all the bull. I have also done everything I can to try to befriend and win her over. I don't even try anymore if feel it is her lose because I've tried my best to be there for her if she needed anything.
    The whole family runs back and forth starting up arguments against each other, if they don't get what they want from one parent they run back and forth to the other parent to get what they want, and stop talking to the other parent. I'm not going to get into their games,cause if they will do it to their own parent, they will surely do it to an outsider, which is me...

    On and I forget to mention I'm divorced and have 4 grown children now, so I know what divorce is like with child. Parents please parent your children and stop making excuses for their bad behaviors, be parents to them not their friend and teach them how to respect others.
    Hope this help, this is my opinion on the subject, since I am experience the same thing first hand.

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