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May 13 2012, 15:35
  • Rashmid Contributor

    -1 +1

    Hello,

    Its been 5 months and a few days since me and my ex broke up and i must say that i am doing better than i was a few months ago. But, progress is happening at a very slow pace and i find myself still thinking about how to "get over it", how to "move on". I cannot seem to concentrate on the present moment (for e.g. while watching a movie, washing dishes or at work)...Good thing is i am not mulling over the times we spent together or anything...im not thinking about "him and me"as such. I have joined dance classes and i am loving it. Its what i always wanted to do and i made some new friends as well. I dont talk with the common friends we had as often. But this is normally the first thing on my mind when i wake up in the morning. I also adopted a little dog from a shelter and he's such an angel. lots of things have changed in the past few months in my life but i still find myself thinking about the breakup everyday and i try to concentrate on what im doing but i dont know what is stopping me from just letting it go. I dont think i am depressed but yesterday i cried a lot because i wasnt over him yet. i hadn't cried in 2 months but yesterday i cried so much that i scared my mom. I have read some self help books, talked it out with parents + friends and even seen a councillor.
    I feel like i am punishing myself, im refering to the negative thoughts and lack of consistency when it comes to my resilience to get over it. I fear i will damage my health due to all this negative thinking...my head gets heavy and i dont feel like 100% me to be honest.
    A brief background about our relationship:
    we were university classmates. dated about a year and a half. the relationship was extremely physical. i failed university twice. I lost interest in focusing on my career and myself during the course of this relationship.he said he doesnt love me anymore and the relationship was a mistake to begin with. he was also verbally abusive and got very angry at times but i used to bare with that. I am not in school right now but planning on going back this september. i also find myself thinking about this when im watching tv or a movie etc...
    i love myself very much but i get frustrated when thoughts of the breakup or negativity strikes. i dont know what to do or say. please help me if possible and thank u for being so patient and taking time out to read this.

    p.s. i've read "the secret" and i get afraid that because of my negativity or self doubt thoughts (about my mental health) i might attract that towards me and then when i start thinking positive thoughts i find myself thinking i hope my prior negativity doesnt come true.
  • Ginny MODERATOR

    -1 +1

    May 14 2012, 06:55
    Dear Rashmid,
    I hate that book, The Secret. I have to tell you, that book is not true. It is just a bunch of things put together to make money! Do not be scared of your negativity! God loves you just the way you are, and the universe loves you and was created for you to enjoy. It is okay to feel things like sadness and anger, every human being feels these things, and these feelings can tell you valuable things about yourself and what is important to you. You were made with feelings- negative and positive-for a reason!
    I am sorry about your breakup.
    You have suffered a loss- an important relationship, so important it became more to you than your career and your studies. Now is a time of mourning for you. You may find yourself feeling many things. It is normal to be a little moody and it is also normal in times of bereavement to want to look for something "more," a sense that the suffering is not for nothing. Maybe now might be a good time to look into some spiritual activities *besides* The Secret?
    Or you could check out some criticism of that book on the internet- I bet there's plenty of it! I believe Barbara Ehrenreich wrote an entire book about things like that.
    Also I want to congratulate you on how you are doing activities such as dance to keep yourself healthy mentally and physically! That's really good.
    Please tell me how old you are if you don't mind, and any other thoughts you may be having that are upsetting for you.
    I'm Ginny, 41 year old female in Chicago Illinois, not a trained therapist, I like to read and write and have an interest in psychology. I also suffer from Major Depression.
    Ginny
  • Rashmid Contributor

    -1 +1

    May 14 2012, 10:18
    Dearest Ginny,

    Thank you so much for taking time out to write such a nice reply to me. It helped a lot to hear that books like "The Secret" are being criticized because all it has ever done for me is make me realise that the more i try to control the way i think & feel in a traumatic/life-altering experience, the less control i have..which is scary when you are trying to believe everything the book says.

    I am a 21 year old female in Toronto Ontario and believe it or not but ever since the breakup i have been reading a LOT of magazines & books on psychology and have found that i have an innate interest in the topic as well. I have applied for a BA as well as a BSc degree in Psychology at University in september and im praying i get in :) I really want to get accepted for a Bachelor in Science degree in Psychology. so keeping my fingers crossed!

    Regarding your question about what kind of thoughts i find myself having...i just find myself thinking i cannot let go of this boy and move on. I know i am 200% capable of letting go and moving on but its my own fear and mental belief of "I am scared to let go","i dont want to let go","i cant get him out of my head","i want to stop thinking of him". I just want to let myself go and just be...and to stop thinking of "how to move on", "how to let go"...It irritates me soO much when thoughts like these pop up when im watching a movie, watching TV, at work or even just when washing dishes.

    In the first month after the breakup, i was very depressed. But, it only lasted for a month and i was quick to get out of it as i pushed myself to do things even though i didn't want to do them. I used to wake up numerous times in the middle of the night in a sweat...sometimes used to wake up in the morning with pain in my chest area (felt like literal "heartbreak"). I read about it and apparently i was going through pschyological shock. The reason i am telling you all this is because that "feeling" and the memories of the way i reacted scared me a lot as its the first time i experienced stress (believe it or not - id NEVER been stressed before..not even before an exam),depression, anxiety, and a disturbed state of mind. All those experiences somehow made me believe that "i can't concentrate", "i can't stay in the moment", "is there something wrong with my brain?", "am i going insane"...i know it sounds absurd to be thinking like this but you know they say,"the real stranger is not the person in front of you but your own mind".

    Anyway, I do believe that suffering is not all bad and there are a lot of hidden oppurtunities for growth mentally & spiritually...:)
    I am trying to counter all the beliefs i fostered over the past 5 months about myself like, "i cant let go", "i cant focus", "i cant be normal and just be myself" ...

    Last thing i want to say is that there are 2 HUGE positive things that have come out of my situation that continue to push me forward and keep me grateful. One being that i used to be atheistic but now i am not...i am grateful to God for everything. The second thing is dancing was something i always wanted to pursue since i was 10 years old and i am finally doing that. It makes me extremely happy and is the only time these days where i am 100% myself.

    Anyway, i typed such a long reply haha! Looking forward to hearing from you Ginny.

    Rashmi
    • Ginny MODERATOR

      -1 +1

      May 15 2012, 18:34
      Hi Rashmi!

      Sorry it took me a bit to get back to you, I am recovering from an illness and am not always as with-it as I'd like to be.

      I reread your letter, and you know, this is very profound, what you wrote:

      "that the more i try to control the way i think & feel in a traumatic/life-altering experience, the less control i have.."

      I think that's really, really good.

      I wonder if your longing for this man is because you feel inadequate on your own? I don't know- I'm not talking about you now, I'm talking about me really. I've just noticed lately that I get some kind of relief from wishing other people cared about me more than they do, when I focus on how I feel like I'm not enough- not enough to cope with certain things, feeling inadequate. "Well, this (me and my resources) does not seem to be nearly enough to cope with all this!"

      It doesn't totally fix it all but it helps.

      Well, I wanted to say hi, but my pain level is kicking in really bad so I'm going to go lie down! And drink a margarita!

      Ginny
      • Rashmid Contributor

        -1 +1

        May 16 2012, 13:43
        Hello Ginny,

        I'm sorry to hear you are in pain and i hope you are feeling better :)

        Btw, yes i was quite dependent on his emotional and moral support during the duration of our relationship and what im going through now is just the cause of all that dependency and trust i had on him. I am not like that with any other people, have never been...but i did make a mistake by being that way with this guy.

        I am feeling better as days go by and hopefully ill be over this soon (feels like i already am) just have a few negative feelings to get rid of. The relationship, even though it was quite hurtful and painful towards the end was really sweet. im trying to remember the good stuff to try and forget the pain. Anyway thank you so much for your help, Ginny.

        Take care

        Rashmi
  • Rainbow Contributor

    -1 +1

    May 16 2012, 13:32
    If you are going to read another books, consider this book.
    "Don't let people rent space in your head" By Gary Coxe

    Take Care!
    • Rashmid Contributor

      -1 +1

      May 16 2012, 13:45
      Dear Ossify,

      Thank you for your recommendation! that book sounds like something i would really benefit from right now haha! thanks again. I will definitely check it out.

      Cheers,

      Rashmi xx
  • noz Newbie

    -1 +1

    Sep 2 2012, 14:05
    Hello there Rashmid
    I am younger than your are im 19 but im in exacly same possition as you are except i just started university and i feel like i am going through hell.One day i say to my self I will be just fine but the next day I am totaly down :( i do not know what to do except to think that the future will be better and it will be ok . It is hard to deal with these kind of situations sometimes I think that i am the only person in the world that is going trugh such a thing, but reading what you wrote makes me realise that all this will pass all you have to do is to learn once again love your self,yes love yourself if you were capable to give so much love and he didn't apriciatte that then try t find something else to love n not a man but something else that bring joy in your life.You might have noticed i use "I" to many times i did that to let you know that it is your who should tell to yourself I am going to be fine cause i have me and i am going to fight for my self ,I am going to make tomorrow a better day for me.
  • Kt* Newbie

    -1 +1

    May 10 2013, 12:24
    Wasn't that the book Jodi Arias liked to read? I don't think it helps very much. The "Secret" that is.

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