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Nov 6 2018, 16:26
  • wildflower Newbie

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    Hello-
    Never in my life have I thought I needed help, or counseling. Or tried to. So I am new at this and here it goes. I am 35 as of 3 days ago. I have been with my husband since I was 15 and got married at age 20 in Reno. Thru out the years I have been put thru what most would call unacceptable. My husband has cheated x20, lied x1000, addiction problems every 6 months or so, but never been physical abusive. Mentally, yes. He has been to prison 2x. once when we were 18 for 18months, and again when we were 30 for 18months also. He is now facing 10yrs. 5yrs ago I cheated. Right before he got out with his best friend. I did not initiate, just did not stop it. My husband wants to know why and I do not have that answer. I want to say "now you know how it feels" but that is rude and not real. I am a raving bitch from time to time and I blame it on his behavior and he blames his on me. I know I can be extremely rude. I know just what to say if I really want to hurt someone and know when to stop also. I am mean when I drink also. My husband says u are u then u drink and u are drunk u with balls. I keep most things inside and eventually it comes out. I try to explain it as... I am as mean as I feel upset inside. Like the meaner I am the more hurt I feel. Which is a crazy realization I have come to. I get REALLY mad about things sometimes and see how of a bitch I can be. I don't really know how to write this. 20 yrs rolled into 1 paragraph. Mostly I need to help myself heal and feel real again. And don't even know where to start or what to say. I could go on forever, about this and that but I feel like I am just complaining, maybe that is what I need. I just want to feel like myself and feel real again, because right now I feel fake, and I do not like.

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