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One HUGE mess and I'm stuck

Divorce & Separation

Feb 27 2014, 06:19
  • I'm not sure any free service can help me but I'm flat broke and simply can not afford therapy.I also may be posting in the wrong section but then again my story doesn't really have a specific section.I met my now partner over six years ago, when we met he told me he was separated from his wife but they were living under the same roof for the children.After a few months had passed I discovered that they were in fact still sharing a marital bed and I broke it off.We had no contact for a little over a month when he initiated contact again.He stated that he had spoken to his wife and had offered to go to counseling she in turn said she would only go see a maulana as she is muslim, he is christian and refused to see someone that has no qualifications.Following this he decided that he was not interested in trying to save their marriage as religion was one of the biggest hurdles that they still after 20years and 4children could not overcome.We gradually started seeing one another again but kept it quiet as to not rock the boat.

    My past is somewhat a mess due to personal reasons but I had no racial boundaries and many boyfriends that were not of my race in an area where my race was unseen, many people felt it their duty to bring to my partners ears rumors about me some true, most not, because they lived in this area.This was when my partner started abusing me physically, mentally and emotionally.

    A year had passed and I was moving out of the big city and back to a small town near my home town(his kids and wife reside in my home town).He moved in with me.Things were grate, the abuse was few and far inbetween and I honestly didn't even notice it.His son from his 1st marriage and his out-of-wedlock-daughter both came to visit us and I became a stepmother to them, the kids from his current marriage though would not come near me.

    His wife showed up at my door one morning when he was leaving for work with her daughters cell saying that this kid had an sms from someone asking how it felt to know her father was sleeping with someone else, it was fake the kid didnt know anything about it.I thankfully didn't open the door and he was outside already.Whilst all the other commotion was happening his two youngest sons were involved in an armed robbery because they owed a drug dealer money and they were caught and sentenced to life.

    We moved into another house and the abuse became noticeable, we started fighting more often and we often got into physical fights, he was drinking far to much and his business was taking a hard hit.To lighten our debts we took in a friend of his as a boarder and I found a job.His eldest son and his sons wife were having some problems so we took them in too.The abuse came to a dead stop.His wife using the excuse that she wanted to meet his sons new wife came over to our house and the minute she saw me attacked me verbally and if he hadn't intervened I'm sure it would have been physical in front of her daughter.

    Not being able to handle all these grown people in one house we sent his son and daughter in-law back home we asked our friend to move out and to cut fuel costs we moved to a house just a few block away from where we both work and from where the wife and children live.the abuse got really bad and I moved out, we sorted out some of our issues and I moved back in.

    He no longer physically abuses me but mentally and emotionally Im a wreak, he still hasn't divorced and I feel he always gives his wife preference over me, he lied to me many times about his whereabouts when he in fact was attending fuctions with her or when I arranged for a father daughter week end his wife ended up on that trip and not me.They visit their sons in prison on Sundays and it becomes family day, Im not a part of. Non of her children will come see their father in our home he must always go there.She calls him everytime there is any kind of problem, there is just no boundary.She has recently lost her job and we are supporting her.Our debt is piling up.

    I love this man very much but from all the trauma and problems we've had to face he is no longer the man I met, I am no longer the woman he fell in love with.We still have not become one as a unit, I feel I live in his shadow.All my hopes and dreams, passions and inspirations have died.We never do anything I enjoy doing, we always strapped for cash.I have not met any of his extended family father/sisters and I'm never invited to anything to do with his family.

    There is a huge age gap he's 52 Im 26, after 6years his divorce is still not even filled, everyone looks and talks about me as if I am a home wreaker, I have become with drawn and have developed major depression and anxiety with many side effects of other mental illnesses.I'm honestly at the end of my tether.I cant communicate to him what Im going through because he simply doesn't understand and only gets angry because he says Im bringing up the past but he doesn't realize that this is a build of things from the beginning.

    Apart from leaving this man what do I do, how do I help myself? Even if I do leave there are issues like low self esteem, lack of confidence, lack of motivation, lack of interest. Any one have practical advice?
  • owenben3 Contributor

    -1 +1

    Feb 28 2014, 03:08
    Well, You should obviously leave him. Cause the longer you cling the worse it will become. You're at this point giving almost everything you can to help him and his familly. And in return you're left out and treated unkindly. So you should leave him. As for self esteem and lack motivation and other stuff, well, go out with your friends, have fun. You're still young. Find hobbies, like writting, singing, dancing, anything that distracts you, a girl here gave told me to go jogging and it really helps. Also, dress up. Women always feel better when they look beautifull. Also I think your money problems will go down if you dont have to pay for his booze and other stuff. You can ask your friend to move with you, for safetty issues and cause the rent will go down. But you have to leave your partner, he's just bringing you down, and probably using you. I really hope you get better, and that I was able to help somehow.

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