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feeling lost

Depression

Apr 2 2019, 15:50
  • Sunny Newbie

    -1 +1

    Im a freshman in college, and I have no motivation to study or even finish. I recently got arrested for possession, which is adding to the stress I have, as well as feelings of severe dissapointemnt to my mom and feelings that they would be so much better off without me. Im not a stranger to feeling depressed and in a dark pit, I used to self harm from sophomore year of high school, but I haven't done so since I started therapy last year for Xanax addiction. I feel that Im just so lost in the world, and I am so much of a burden to my family. they had to withstand my addiction, depression, and now my being arrested. last week I got extremely drunk and according to my friends was extremely suicidal and kept looking for a knife. I don't know if I should feel lucky that they were there to stop me, or if I was unlucky that they did. additionally, I feel like im incapable of loving and being loyal to a significant other. my only "serious" relationship I had was to my ex drug dealer who raped me and took my virginity away. I don't know if its normal, but I don't care about who I have sex with or if I even know them now. And everytime I get into something with someone, I cant help but continue cheating on them all the time. I know it's terrible but I feel no remorse. eveytime im alone I feel this weighing down on my upper torso, and I hate feeling like im so hopeless and miserable. but then I smoke weed or take drugs to stop the feeling and end up in a cycle. I just want to run away and erase my whole past and start all over where no one knows me. It sucks. ok I just wanted to rant, I guess rant your own in the thread

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