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Just need to talk

Depression

Dec 20 2017, 21:10
  • I have no health insurance and can't afford therapy.. I have no friends or anyone that can understand.. thats why im here. when i was younger i struggled really bad with depression a 16 year old girl who thought she had problems god if i could go back...(im 21 now) throughout my life ive attempted suicide 3-5 times and cut frequently.. But i finally thought i was over that. Last year or so ive been fine.. my demons were gone. But the other night.. I was drinking and got into it with my bf. I filled the bathtub and got in fully clothed with a razor to my wrist he busted in and stopped me. hoping it was just a drunk mistake we carried on. but its back.. and for no reason.. i cant fall asleep at night and when i do i cant get the motivation to get out of bed.. my moods are insane.. from the time i woke up til about 2 today i was happy and then i plummeted. this vacuum inside that pulls me in. one moment im ok and the next im not. i thought shopping would help . i walked into the store looked around and gave up. i keep giving up.. it feels good to give up. to not feel the weight of expectations or the need to do anything. the thoughts in my head are bad. and the things in my life are a mess. who can i turn to i mean who can understand that for no reason at all.. im not functioning properly?

    i live with my boyfriend . he has two kids i consider my own. i work as a delivery driver. im on probation. the kids mom is a methhead. we have dhs in our lives. i do what im supposed to normally i just do what i got to do im not a person that normally gives up. i made it through my grandparents deaths alright i guess. ive always just been strong well at least this last year i have.. i just dont want to fall back into this slump.. twice in my life i had a sort of breakdown, not a normal like depressed breakdown.. i mean my mind literally broke i thought the whole world was out to get me i couldnt leave my house or if i did i would get in my car and go so far until i was so lost i had to be safe.. i got sick of that the first time and told my therapist i wanted nothing more than a nice glass of bleach.. they put me in the phsyc ward and i even thought that was fake i cant let that ever happen again i dont think im going to go through that again.

    all i want is someone to talk to that maybe gets it and can help me
  • Jayd Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jan 13 2018, 06:50
    Hi I'm Jaydene,
    I can relate to everything you say I've literally lived through your experiences in my own way. I too posted for help because well, this feeling has stayed since I was 13 and now I'm turning 22 in March I also have 2 kids that depend on me and a mother in law that makes things worse.

    I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only 1, so there must be something or someone that can help us.
    The 1 thing I can say because I know that giving up is something we don't even have to think about it just happens.

    Give up on everything just don't give up on yourself.
    It's gotta be something we can fix I feel like its me creating this mess maybe it I how we see different situations. I don't know. I've stopped smoking pot to get out of my head I've stopped drinking to prevent over reacting (even though it was 1 thing that could turn my frown upside down) as soon as soberness hits its back to square 1. If only we could be drink all the time lol. I think that's how people become alcoholics I don't want that to be what I'm remembered for when I die.
    Sometimes working can take your mind off things but who likes to work right?

    I think I'm talking too much I'm sorry.
    I'm here if you'd like to let some stuff off your mind.



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