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Confused here


Jul 23 2017, 20:25
  • CheeseToast Newbie

    -1 +1

    To whomever this may concern,
    I feel this extreme sadness for the past couple of years. I see no apparent reason for it. Self hatred takes place 24/7, even though I am aware of it and find it extremely wrong. I find myself having a conversation with myself quite regularly where at one moment I explain in depth as to why I am a normal person and every aspect of me is average, and a moment later I am repeated the same spiteful words, making myself sob, without any triggers. I cry everyday, most of the time more than once, somethimes without a warning, a few times just seconds after I was laughing and feeling moderate happiness. I can say with confidence that I have never felt what I consider being honext happiness, even in the presence of people I love. My father was recently injured, resulting in his attitude changing, and after every conversation with him I end up in tears, but in my room alone.. I hide my tears in front of other people, but I dont fake happiness. I've been feeling iritation lately, which is new, I am a calm and peaceful person with others normally. I don't have constant suicidal thoughts, though I wish someone would just end my days, because I am sick of my existance. But I am a coward, I would never hurt myself for good. So there's no worry there. I have never sought help in the past, partially because I am embarassed, and partially because I am afraid there is something serious mentally wrong with me. I have gone to therapy once, they told me everything is okay, and it's because I am only 18.. But After that I gave up on my academic studies, stranded in my bed for almost 2 months. So I don't think it's a phase. The pain I feel since my early teens is barely gone and I wish it away. My question to you is, is there something really wrong with me? Can you talk to me so we can figure out if there is and if there isn't? I will not ask my parents to pay for me to see a psychiatrist again. We cannot afford it, and they are old, stress isn't their strong suit either. I just need to be certain of my mental health or potential lack thereof. Thank you for your attention and time.

  • GetFree Newbie

    -1 +1

    Jul 28 2017, 16:34
    Hey Lydia, I don't think spending 2 months in bed is alright. I'm worried about you! I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice, seeing as how I relate a lot to your post. But I would suggest trying to spend time working on positive things, like physical and mental exercise. Understanding the strength of your body and mind has helped me gain more confidence and feel happier with myself. Also, you can message me if you need someone to talk to.. best wishes
  • Eternal Sadness Helpful Friend

    -1 +1

    Jul 31 2017, 20:15
    Dear Cheese Toast (I love that screen name, Lydia)

    I have learned to live with depression for decades. It hasn't been easy. What I have done is make choices and sacrifices. I enjoy working, so all my energy is put into going to work on time, doing a good job, and then when I come home, I collapse absolutely. This summer it has taken a lot for me to do anything.

    I also have physical health ailments so I have to always check with my doctor, because sometimes it IS something physical. Heart, lungs, back, sleep apnea, etc. The list gets longer as you get older! :)

    I regret a lot of my mistakes but I forgive myself as well because of the challenges of depression. One thing that makes me successful is working abroad. I know this sounds crazy, but being alone really keeps me less anxious and depressed. For two years I taught in Hungary,and I wish I could have stayed. I don't think I could handle places with extreme climates or work conditions, but this worked out for me. My husband accepts my limitations and, even though we have had to adopt our grandson, he understands that I will once again be on the move again.

    It took me almost 20 years to find medications that worked. And like the above, body and mind health is important. Finally, writing is incredibly therapeutic. I attend a writing class and in addition I bring my writings to my therapist when I need to. Feel free to contact me if you want to talk to a long term survivor of depression and anxiety.

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