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I dont understand

Depression

Nov 16 2015, 23:28
  • Julia Newbie

    -1 +1

    I began seeing a coworker which is understandably "frowned upon" but unfortunately he got fired a few months ago for (short and simple) sticking up for all the employees and stood up for what's right. And now I dread working. I hate going to work every day and I hate working at this place. Before I met him, I never really enjoyed it. But now it's unbearable, everyone is blind to everything around them and I have the inside scoop. (Short and sweet again) our bosses are disgusting pigs towards women and all of us "meaningless" employees are basically scum. I feel like I have gone through so much life changing things within the past year, and I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a hole. No matter how much I try whether it be looking for a new job, going back to college, trying extremely hard in my new relationship. Nothing is ever good enough. I can't get hired anywhere, which I want more than anything to get out of this job. I can't seem to do anything right in my life choices. I live on my own and barely make enough money to eat. I can't go back home and live with my parents because of very sensitive and personal reasons. My relationship is absolutely always 50/50 I do everything I can to make him happy and he gives the same effort. But I'm held to some impossible standard and it hurts so so badly because I am crazy about him, I do love him so much but nothing I do is ever good enough. No matter how hard I try. I'm constantly afraid I'm going to be left alone and scared. Promises keep getting made to me by people and are never met. I've lived the past 10 years thinking I could never have children, medically my "female" organs just never worked properly. Then a couple months ago, I was pregnant... And had no idea, until I started getting horrible pains and then it turned out my miracle wasn't meant to be. I wake up everyday feeling like an absolute failure, I failed myself, I failed my parents, the child I never had the chance to meet, I failed my Partner. I feel like I just want to crawl up in a little hole and just die. I have no friends. I feel so alone all the time. Other than my "Partner" I have no one. He's the only one who understands my pain. But he just continues to try to make me happy but at the same time when it seems like our relationship is going wonderfully I get emotionally drained because we get in some argument that he ALWAYS starts. I'm not argumentative I don't pick fights, I am not confrontational, it's always him. I made a promise to my baby to never give up but it's so hard and only becoming more difficult. Im very young and I know I have nothing but receiving such a miracle in my life to only have it taken away even faster is the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. There's no more up for me. There's no more just smile and it'll be okay. There's nothing left for me at least I can't do it by myself. And whether I stay with my "Partner" for the rest of my life or not, I don't want to give up on my promise to her. And I feel like if I "lose" him my miracle never existed, because if he never came into my life she would have never came into my life either. I don't understand life and fate and death. I don't think anyone does. But gosh I just want a hug :'( days go by where I can't stop crying. Even at work luckily I sit alone. I don't deserve to be loved and I don't deserve special miracles, I'm not and never will be good enough for anyone or anything. I just want a day to come where I can open my eyes and be happy. Will that day ever happen? I feel like just laying in bed for the rest of my life. On top of all this I'm always paranoid and anxious, I'm extremely introverted so reaching out is just so terrifying right now. I feel like I need help, like I need to go commit myself in a mental hospital, because there has to be something wrong with me. I can't sleep, I have nightmares constantly. So it makes me scared to sleep. I just don't want to do this anymore, this whole "life" thing is getting harder and harder and there's no end. If I could I'd just hit the reset button and blow out the cartridge and start all over. I know I have something good about me, Im creative, I love animals umm I don't know. I guess that's it. I'm "too nice" I'll just let people stomp all over me. I'm just a coward and too afraid to do anything. Today has been a crying all day kind of day. And no matter what I do, it doesn't stop. I'm so sad :'( can all of this just please stop already.
  • Andie Contributor

    -1 +1

    Nov 22 2015, 04:02
    Dear Julia.... darlin, your sadness is very clear. I am very grateful that you found the energy and the hope to reach out. Take comfort in the fact that even though you believe youre at your wits end -- you really are filled with hope: it is evident in the things you try, the places and ways you have reached out to the world. That is a good thing and a sign of health (even though it does not feel that way!)

    I remember while working at my first few jobs -- I saw all my friends landing their first "position", ... sticking it out, growing up a corporate ladder or in their career.. me? I had "jobs." Lots of them. Back then, work was not very fulfilling, and worse still, I sort of had all my eggs in one basket. I mean, I placed all of my opportunities for fulfillment all the sources of joy in my life onto ONE thing, and it was a person: usually my boyfriend of the day. So that when the normal ups and downs occurred in the relationship (eg, he prefers a night with his friends, or it looked like he was talking up some girl at a party) I had a stroke over it.. flying into despair or rage.. barely able to get perspective. The next day I had to drag my butt work, oh and it bore a scowl so treacherous it would make the devil run and hide under a desk. Of course any sideways glance from a co-worker would have me darting to the bathroom mascara streaking my cheeks all the way there. It became a vicious cycle: a passionless life leads to disappointment, resentment, hopelessness, blame, self-hatred.

    I had to break the cycle. What helped me was searching in myself, what made me happiest? It certainly was not analysing corporate balance sheets and making rich people richer lol! Once I found that little ways of helping others made me feel good, I did indeed have to start at the bottom. I went back to school at night .. just one class at a time, sitting there with students 10 years younger at times I felt overgrown in the classroom! But I was on a path and that was empowering. By the time I graduated I had worked my way up -- because I was also learning everything I could get my hands on about the field. I did volunteer work within the field. I did it because it made me happy to be good at it. I found that when things didnt go well in my relationships it actually didnt hurt as much, so that happiness was a small kind of insulation from the 'slings and arrows' of life and love. The skills I have honed bring me great joy - and are something that no relationship, failed or otherwise can take away. Now there are more eggs in my basket ..more ways that I can engage in life with that can bring joy so that I am not overly dependent on any one path. If I took my work to an extreme, then I would still be in the position of depending on only one thing, as family would suffer or fade away. So it is very important to have balance - as you pursue your joys. If you are creative and can immerse yourself in some form or art or self-expression then reach out and express yourself in as many forms of art as you can think of: paint, write, draw, sculpt, dance, cut hair, paint fingernails, journal, refurnish old furniture; draft a one act play, play an instrument; sew; and the list goes on.Do volunteer work that combines your hobbies - work at the humane society, teach children to draw. Engagement will help you experience the many fine and self-fulfilling aspects of yourself! Cut yourself a break. You deserve a little slack. You are working so hard at life, just showing up is sometimes all we can do.. Life cant always be a cancan dance. I have had too many sleepless nights, the only thing that puts me straight to sleep is the sound of one of the sleep hypnosis youtube videos (michael sealey or julia langton smith)that I listen to. Find one that relaxes you. Good luck and keep seeking support. You deserve it! Andie
    • Julia Newbie

      -1 +1

      Nov 27 2015, 23:38
      Dear Andie,

      Gosh, thank you so much for your reply. It made me smile, and made me think. Ultimately it made me feel so good that someone else understands. Finally. I will continue to keep pushing and working my way through the sadness and pain. I remember my mom asking me as a child what I want to be when I grow up. And I told her I just want to be happy. So, I'm going to try to achieve my childhood dream! I cannot thank you enough for writing back to me. It was so sweet and definitely inspiring.

      Thank you!
      • Andie Contributor

        -1 +1

        Dec 11 2015, 07:17
        Dear Julia
        Thank you for your kind words! I am so glad that my response was helpful. You deserve to reach inside yourself and get to know who you are -- not in terms of another person or job. We can best evaluate who we are by our own terms --not whether someone else approves. The more things you try --the more you get to see who you are! Seriously, my volunteer experiences were some of the best, most enlightening of my life. I spent more than two years volunteering in the US Peace Corps and when I say that I think other people think: 'Oh what a nice thing to do'..but the TRUTH is that those years were the biggest gift I ever gave myself. I was rarely more fully alive than when every moment I was giving myself to helping someone else. I LEARNED who I am ... I LEARNED what it took for me to be FULLY ME. Once you LEARN that about yourself.. no boyfriend or boss can effect you in the same way.. they cannot take that away from you -- it is always with you. You then know 1) how precious it is and 2) how critically important it is to commit to never accepting anyone (partner or path in life or employer) who does not treat you as sacred. It doesn't mean that those around us never fail us.. it does mean that when they do -- it is exception, not the rule; it is rare not the norm.

        Look in the mirror, Julia and say good bye to a time in your life you did not value yourself.. it is a new day. You are off to meet the most special person in the world: you! Promise to explore your own inner landscape. If you are a creative person, you must, you OWE it to yourself, to flex those creative muscles, to give those juices an outlet and let them flow. They will invigorate your thirst to be fully alive! For a very long time you have looked outside yourself to find validation, to find hope, to find a reason to live -- all without knowing the depth of who you are as a person. Find your passion, you find you! I am so excited about your journey ahead!! The best to you, Darlin',
        Andie
  • donjaf Contributor

    -1 +1

    Nov 5 2016, 21:03
    Hi Andie,
    I found your response to Julia very helpful to me. Thank you.
    • Andie Contributor

      -1 +1

      May 16 2018, 05:06
      You're welcome! I appreciate that you took the time to write! I have not checked back here often .... so in these few years, I hope you are feeling better.
      Andie

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