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I don't know....

Bipolar Disorder

Nov 17 2019, 18:04
  • Confused Newbie

    -1 +1

    I found this website after thinking maybe I should open up about things that bother me, but didn't want to face a person. Although it seems to be quiet for a while, I will leave a thread, kinda asking for help.
    I really don't know if I have bipolar disorder, but somewhat makes sense what I feel all the time and fits perfectly in bipolar disorder. I don't want to take meds or talk in person to someone as I did tried once, when I was younger and I felt I was not being helped. I felt being forced to speak and dig by biggest nightmares and shames... Was a horrible experience at the time, but nowadays I feel more relaxed when remembering it.
    I come from a big family with a drunk father. Recently stopped drinking... My main issue comes from that. My whole life we had to pretend to be a happy family when everyone could see we were disfucntional. Nowadays, all family is split, only speak to brothers and parents. Aunts, oncles cousins...gone. Broken relationships.
    Me personally, was heavily bulllied as a teenager, parents never knew. As the oldest in family, I tried hard never to bother my parents with that, as there were enough problems.
    Relationships, were never normal. Either virtual or first encounter sex, one week, two weeks... Til one day I met a guy who I don't take serious in the begining but we get more serious with time and he is a totally dick. I drown completely in this relationship. It broke the rest of the trust for other people I had. He was very manipuative, but still I never had the streght to break up with him. They say the most toxic relationships last because they are based on the good sex..and Yes, probably that was the only thing that connected us, and made us seem like a normal couple..
    At this point, barely see friends or trust anyone at work. I even lie to try and hide things from my personal life. And I keep doing so after 3 years. Broke up with him finally, he got drunk and tried to lock me up in the bathroom trying to stop me from leaving the house. I never felt so scary in my life like that day. I moved country, changed jobs... I feel like he is still following me (he did for a while, was quite obsessive, but not agressive, physically at least) It's been 3 years and I feel like I will not be able to let people in anymore. Either I get too attached or I am too cold and distant and don't want to have bonds. I can't be bothered in trying to emphatize with people. I live alone now, I feel more lost than ever, like with no route to follow, and being always grumpy and upset for silly things!
    Not to mention my moods jumps. weeks I am extremely happy and see everything in pink... Now I got hit by I very, very low mood.. But I don't want to explain myself and I want people to stop asking me about how I am, what I have been up to, what I will be up to. I don't know!!! And they don't understand. People don't care and only understand when they go through the same thing you been.

    Don't know if this made any sense... Anyway.. A few grams lifted of my shoulders

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